Today was not such a great day. I mean, nothing bad happened per se, but I've just felt down and lonely since the minute I woke up.
I've been getting up really early and today was no exception. At 6:11am I was jolted out of a sound sleep by the loudest thunderclap I've heard in a long time. The rains came to Maputo this morning, full of lightning and heavy clouds. It was actually a nice change from the way I usually wake up...
You see, the neighbor that lives above us on the terrace of our building has a water tank (caixa d'agua) for which he refuses, for some unknown reason, to purchase and install a buoy. The result is that every morning between 5:00 and 6:00, when the City water starts to flow in for the day, the neighbor's water tank overflows and overflows like an urban waterfall right above our bedroom window. The sound is actually quite soothing - the annoying part is that every morning as soon as the water tank spills over, I have to make a mad dash to the bathroom to pee. After a while it gets really old.
Anyhow, I'm still meditating in the mornings and am proud of myself for keeping up with this routine. It's one of the few I've managed to make stick lately. Meditating definitely makes me feel better, but it just wasn't enough to get me over the hump today.
I feel lonely and I feel like a big loser. This is rather ironic since I've done more things and seen more people in the last 2 weeks than I have in the entire past year. I guess all of my lunches and meetings and trips and new friendships have simply served to illustrate exactly how limited my life has been up until now. Granted I live in Mozambique and the circumstances are unique, but I can totally see how so many women manage to lose themselves in relationships.
I've been so happy with Ricardo, so content to be with him and have our own little 2-person world, that I've completely neglected any sort of outside life. Sure it's hard to find people I identify with, and yes I did live in the middle of freaking nowhere for 9 months of my time in Mozambique, but it's just ridiculous that I, Ali la Loca, independent and extroverted woman that meets people on the bus and in line at the bank, should have no fucking life of my own to speak of!
More than anything I'm shocked to really realize how dependent I've let myself become over the last year. I'm not angry, and I don't regret the way I've dealt with life in Mozambique thus far, but I'm certainly ready to get over my fears and create a fun life for myself.
To be fair, Ricardo and I do have our own lives, but they revolve around very introspective interests. He reads news on the internet about economics and politics. I write in my blog and journal. He likes to fix things. I make jewelry and create yummy things in the kitchen. What neither of us have in Maputo, at least until now in my case, is any friends or activities outside our flat.
I've been asking myself a lot this week why I never made the effort to get out and make friends or create an independent life for myself. The answer is actually very simple, but hard as hell for me to admit: I've been afraid.
It makes no sense, really. I find it no big deal to pick up and move halfway across the world to a random African country. If Ricardo and I decided tomorrow to move to Sri Lanka, I'd be like, "Yeah, great idea for an adventure." And I'd really mean it. I love to do new things, experience new cultures, create a new identity and life depending on where I am. I love it all on a macro-level and am honestly not intimidated with these kinds of changes. It's the little shit that gets me, the micro-level...
I'm afraid to go to the post office or the bank if I've never been before. Why? Because I'm afraid to look lost and stupid and like an uninformed tourist. I'm afraid to walk down the street by myself. Why? Because I'm afraid I'll take a wrong turn and have to ask for directions, exposing myself as a silly white girl who can't manage a foreign country. I'm afraid to drive a car because I just know that if I have to parallel park I'll do a terrible job and people will laugh at my lack of skills. I'm afraid to go to the supermarket by myself because I am certain I'll make some mistake and either buy more things than I have money for, or pay with the wrong amount of money, or get the wrong change and not notice (all fears based on lack of confidence in my math skills, which is ridiculous because I made it through Calculus II for heaven's sake).
I find the small things that make up a day-to-day existance absolutely petrifying sometimes, and it's these fears more than anything that have limited me here in Mozambique. Only now, over a year into this game, do I even feel remotely confident enough to get out there and make it on my own, explore a little, make friends, get the hell out of the house. Still there are many times during the day that I am scared and nervous. I think what got me down today was a combination of realizing what a loser I've been for the last year and coming to terms with the fact that I'm still afraid of small, insignificant things.
For example this afternoon I decided to go out to get my nails done. My new friend T. had told me about a nail spa just past the Jardim dos Namorados, a park with a playground and several restaurants that I've been to multiple times with Rico. I made myself leave the house (after that little voice in my head making a million excuses for why I shouldn't), then walked down towards the park. I've been on this street tons of times, it's a nice part of town, and nobody was hassling me. But it didn't matter. I still felt the panic set in when the location of the nail spa wasn't immediately apparent. "Oh my God, I'm lost," I thought. "I'm going to walk to the end of the street and have to turn around and everyone is going to laugh at me because I obviously don't know where I'm going." All I wanted to do was turn the next corner, as if that's what I'd meant to do all along, and head back home. But I didn't. I made myself keep going, and eventually I found the nail place. They didn't have any appointments for today so I made one for tomorrow.
Since I'd walked all the way down to the Jardim dos Namorados and it was a beautiful day, I figured I'd sit on the patio of one of the restaurants and have a cappuccino. No big deal, right? Ha. What is it about sitting at a table by myself and having a coffee at 3pm that I find so terrifying? Something, apparently, because even though the view of the Indian Ocean was fabulous and the caffeine delicious, I was nervous and sweaty-palmed the entire time.
Maybe I'll find over the next 4 months that this all gets easier...
Sum total of today's stressing out? A whopping case of allergies. Ugh.
And just to end on a high note, I've managed to give myself tendonitis in my right forearm from repetitive and excessive use of the mouse. I'm on day 2 now of a self-imposed ban on the computer where I only use the darn thing for essential communication and business. As you may have guessed, it's not going so well and I have to ice down my arm every evening.
PS - when I sat down to write this evening I hadn't planned on spilling any of these feelings. I feel much better now that I did.
9 comments:
I think its the same for everyone in every country that is not their own. In Holland for the longest time I was afraid to get my hair cut because I thought they would do something silly or something would be lost in translation or it would come out terrible and I wouldn't be able to say what was wrong with it.
I have only been once to the hairdresser since I have been here (four years) and even though it wasn't as terrible as I imagined I was still sweaty palmed and nervous.
Getting oneself out there into a social life is also scary. Whether you're single, married, have a partner, have kids, whatever, it's still daunting.
My mom told me something once when I mentioned to her the fear I had that people might be looking at me and thinking I was an idiot. She said 'no-one is really interested, they're all just thinking about themselves' and I believe it's true!
Ali, I understand what you're going though. Certainly it's not easy being on your own in an African country. I took baby steps about many things when I first moved to Paris, like you, afraid people would laugh at the stupid American or I'd get lost. But I found by forcing myself to do the things that scared me, my fears fell away and I could manage quite well. Things will improve for you too. It takes a long time to adjust to such different surroundings, especially when you're preoccupied with work. It's nice to have someone to lean on - thank goodness for my husband or I would have found the first year in Paris really tough - but important not to get dependent on that person always being there - as you're seeing now. I think you're doing wonderfully well; we all have off days when things don't go according to our wishes. I'm impressed that you're keeping up the meditation and making an effort to try new things and meet more people. xo
Gosh, this post brings so many thoughts to mind. I think we often switch roles multiple times in life, moving back and forth between being independent and dependent.
In my second year of marriage, there was a time in which my husband was gone for three weeks. I have always had a certain pride in being independent and taking care of myself. Yet I struggled while he was gone. I had to force myself to go out and I wasn't even in a foreign country! I simply had gotten used to him protecting me and it felt strange not having him around. I guess, if anything, I don't want you to feel badly and beat yourself up. You have gone out and socialized (selling jewelry, traveling to another city with new friends). Baby steps my dear, baby steps.
I am sending hugs your way...
Don't be so hard on yourself, people adapt to different things in different ways, plus you're a year into a wonderful relationship, so it's natural you are both going to be wrapped up in each other.
Ash is right, people are always far more concerned with themselves to notice others then you realise.
Hope your arm gets better soon!
Feel better? that is good, that is absolutely the point! I've been loving to come here in these last days, I used to like but there is something special in the air, really... you are more instrospective, and you told us before Ricardo went to Brazil that you knew it could be good for you.
Beijos!
Ali!!!!
Honey, i know how u feel,Im still going through this process...
But being afraid of having a coffee on ur own at 3pm....What happened to that girl that went to Morro de Sao paulo on her own, went out at night time and made friends???
Coragem amiga, vc tem um brilho incrivel...nao o esconda do mundo!!!!
Beijos,
Gaby
~Gaby - Yes, I went out to Morro de São Paulo alone and made friends, but I was scared shitless the entire time, felt alone and nervous, just like I do now. I'm still going through the motions and getting out there like I always have, I think now the only difference is that I'm able to admit how afraid I am!
~Ash - I have the same problems with my hair! And yes, most certainly everyone else is too preoccupied with their own lives to notice me. Good advice from your mom.
~PParfait, Kristine and Safiya - thanks for your kind words and support. This is definitely a balancing act, I think I'm doing quite well but I do need to make some adjustments.
~Elite - Yes, this time apart is definitely going to do me a lot of good!
~No Exist - love, I miss you!!! Glad to see you're posting on your blog again.
My boyfriend just started a new job in Germany last week, meaning that we're trying to figure out how to have a long-distance relationship after two years of living in NYC together. Needless to say, I'm right there with you trying to cope as best I know how! If I figure out how to make it all easier, I'll definitely pass the secret along...
~Mandi - Well, I won't lie...being alone for these past 2 weeks has been hard. But it's also had some seriously amazing benefits, giving me space and time to consider and do things that I just didn't before, through no fault but my own.
Hang in there, I'll be by regularly to check out how it's going for you.
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