Invisalign Day One

Today I started treatment with invisalign. My dentist recommended it not for aesthetic reasons,  rather for functional/health reasons(although I do have crooked teeth because I didn't properly wear my retainer after braces as a teenager). The main culprit is a lower incisor that juts to the outside of my top teeth, a classic cross bite. My bite doesn't align properly, my teeth are starting to get ground down in weird ways, and I was having TMJ issues. After hearing my dentist's speech about how these symptoms will evolve in the long term, I was convinced.

I am set up with 32 aligners (clear trays that progressively move your teeth), each of which I should wear for 22 hours a day. I will switch to a new aligner every two weeks, bringing with it some soreness as my teeth adapt to their new position. So best case scenario I'm looking at about 16 months of treatment.

By far the hardest part of invisalign will be wearing the trays for 22 hours a day. You only remove the aligners to eat and drink, and no snacks or coffee or gum or anything between meals. You also have to majorly step up your oral hygiene game and brush and floss your own teeth, and as well as clean the aligners after each removal.

My dental visit today was a bit traumatic, as they had to shave down about 10 of my teeth in order to open up space for them to move into their new position. On my top teeth they had to create .3mm gaps, and on my bottom teeth they had to create .5mm gaps. Half a millimeter is a huge amount to shave off a tooth. Because dentists and jewelers use many of the same tools and processes, I not only was very familiar with the rotary drill and diamond disc, I could imagine exactly what was being done to my enamel because it's exactly what I do to metal every day. I really think this is a case where ignorance is bliss. It also hurt, but I am a baby with very sensitive teeth.

I also have 18 attachments (also called buttons) on my teeth now, basically little knobs of tooth-colored material that helps the plastic trays grip your teeth and get them moving. Some people require no attachments and no tooth filing...I got "lucky" and was prescribed a pretty heavy dose of both. What's worse is you can totally notice them, especially with the trays in, so my invisalign is far from invisible.

My initial feeling when seeing my mouth with the aligners in was regret. I feel ugly and awkward and have a little bit of a lisp (they say it gets better after a few days once your tongue adjusts to the aligners). I am dreading being in social situations that call for removal of the trays. I can't even contemplate dating with these babies in the mix, although that's not on my radar at this point anyhow so I suppose cross that bridge when I come to it. I am trying to keep the long-term perspective that this is a sound investment in my health, and that a little bit of suffering now will be worth it to avoid serious problems down the line. But today I just feel blah.

Yes to This, No to That

This year I'm making some intentional shifts in where my yes's and no's are. Some of this feels terrifying, some of it feels like a relief, some feels like adventure waiting to unfold.

SAYING YES TO TRAVEL means saying NO to:

- a geographically fixed workspace

- a consistent open-to-the-public schedule at the gallery 

- being able to attend all of the local events that interest me

- other tempting ways of using my time and money

SAYING YES TO THE WORK I WANT TO MAKE means saying NO to:

- certain requests for custom work or repairs

- certain social activities because I need lots of time in the studio

- an easily defined image/style (which causes me stress because I like to be cohesive, and the work I want to make feels pretty random right now)

SAYING YES TO MY PHYSICAL HEALTH means saying NO to:

- eating too much sugar

- smoking too much weed

- weighing myself obsessively

SAYING YES TO MY EMOTIONAL HEALTH means saying NO to:

- behavior patterns that cause me pain

- toxic relationships

- the stigma of being in therapy

SAYING YES TO THE SPACE I NEED means saying NO to:

- a shared studio space

- employing an assistant

- a boundary-less existence with the family business

SAYING YES TO MY CREATIVE PRACTICE means saying NO to:

- having my phone in the studio

- the need to make "good" work

- fear of being vulnerable

Lessons to Learn, Lessons to Pass On

This is a delicate post. I freely talk about my past with eating disorders - ranging from anorexia to bulimia to compulsive eating - but it is not easy. Today I was reminded of one of the main reasons why I talk about my past struggle, and my continuing struggle, as I firmly believe that I am in recovery, and I know that one of the first things to go when I am stressed is my "control" over eating.

Anyhow, it is always hard to see a friend struggling with a similar issue. It is, although difficult to see, a firm reminder of why I talk about what I went through. I think that, once someone has been to eating disorder hell and back, she (or he) likely has something to share with others who may be suffering with those same issues. I have a friend who is in the throes of this, and I want to help, if nothing else by talking about what I went through.

I hope she knows that it is possible to live a life where your worth is not determined by your body size or shape. I hope she knows that there is a plausible end to this hell that does not involve constant preoccupation with food and eating. I hope she knows she is beautiful and worth something better, something more gentle, something that will be sustainable for the rest of her life.

I also have to remind myself of the things I've written above. I am out of the super disordered behaviors on a regular basis, but this is still my greatest battle. Food, weight, body image...it is never-ending, always the first thing to crop up when I am stressed. I wish it were easier, both for me and for my friend who is in the midst of the real struggle, not just the interminable aftermath.

I hope she knows she is worth it...

We Did It

We joined the gym. It isn't nearly as nice as our old gym, but it will do.

I had the mandatory fitness exam and wanted to cry afterwards. Not only was their scale off, so was their tape measure, making me squatter and fatter than I'd previously imagined. From the ancient look of their measuring equipment, I took it with a grain of salt, but still had to verify my previous assumptions once at home using our scale and Rico's tape measure from his toolbox. I feel slightly better now that I know for a fact the numbers from the gym were off, but still mildly sick with the realization that I've nonetheless got a ways to go to get to my goal.

We ended up not working out this evening because the gym was ridiculously full and they have no functional system for kicking people off the treadmills/ellipticals/bikes after 30 minutes. We were looking at a potentially veeeery long wait for some cardio, so we came home with plans to go for workout #1 at 7am tomorrow.

Sigh...

My Struggle. Maybe Yours, Too.

Here's a shocker: Female, 26, former anorexic and bulimic and compulsive eater, realizes for the first time that she is truly "one of those women" who will likely struggle with her weight for her entire life.

It seems very obvious when you look at my historical and current relationship with food, but I swear, it has only been in the past few months that it's really sunk in that this is, and will likely forever be my challenge. I thought that once I had managed to move into "healthy" eating patterns rather than a clinically diagnosed eating disorder, I would be somewhat free of food issues. Hah! It's like alcohol or drug abuse or any other addiction: you are always in recovery, never truly 100% cured.

Eating. Whether it's too much, too little, too obsessively, too mindlessly. Whatever, the details don't much matter at this point.

What does matter is that it's always the first thing to slip when I am under stress. Food is my #1 preferred conduit for emotions I don't want to deal with, or even recognize. Sometimes I'm aware that I eat to stuff down the painful and complicated issues in my life. Other times, however, it works the other way around. I notice first that my relationship with food is getting a bit hectic, that I'm thinking about calories and weight all the time and feeling out of control. I don't recognize that it is a symptom of something else out of balance in my life. Then at some later moment it will dawn on me what has been at the root of the eating crisis, and I will either choose to deal with it or not...

So, big surprise, after some professional turbulence at the beginning of the year (aka not being permanently hired at the Banana Empire) and with a wedding some 7 weeks away, I am feeling stressed about food. I bought my wedding dress and rehearsal dinner dress in April last year, and I am not at the same weight/size as I was back then. I'm not too far off, thankfully, but nonetheless I have some changes to make if I want to fit in the dresses (they are both pretty fitted and have already been altered twice).

I wasn't even sure if I should blog about this, or even journal on paper. As someone who has struggled with eating disorders, I find now that it is a very fine line between being mindful of what I eat and my what my exercise level is, and becoming obsessive. Sometimes the mere mention of weight or fitness regime or portion control can set me off on a very negative path. It is easier, I have found, to just let things be, recognize and accept that my weight and disposition to exercise will ebb and flow, that it's not necessarily beneficial or even possible to maintain an absolute constant weight or fitness level from one day/week/month/whatever to the next. I have faith that it will work out in the long run, that I will get to that point where I feel comfortable with my body over time. It's happened several times, and I know it works.

However, I have a deadline with the wedding, and I am trying to find the balance between kicking up the exercise and decreasing the calories, and setting myself off on a very obsessive spiral. Perversely, I find that many times when I concentrate on my weight too much, I end up gaining rather than losing because I become an insane person who thinks about food all the time, and that makes me want to eat-eat-eat. I'm trying to avoid this possibility, but it is hard. I find it difficult to be disciplined. I find it crazy-making sometimes to stick to a gym and eating regimen. But I know I have to if I want to be sane on my wedding day.

That is why I'm writing. Hopefully this will help, not hinder my efforts.

I've found in reading other people's blogs, I am easily triggered by weight loss and dieting stories - especially successful ones. Still, I want to feel a bit accountable without resorting to saying a goal weight or dress size (though I know them in my mind - I don't want to have the same effect on anyone else who might be reading here). Let's just say that my current weight minus 52 is where I want to be, and that 52 is a secret code for the amount of kilos/pounds/stones/whatever that I need to lose.

Tonight Rico and I are signing up for the gym since they restricted the one we used to go to at Hotel Avenida to guests only. Meh. Now we are going to a new gym, and I am a bit apprehensive. I'm making a music mix to see if it helps my motivation. I know it needs to be done...exercise, I have found, is more effective in dealing with my weight issues rather than focusing so much on diet. We'll see...