Book Three

Sunset from Hawaii's Big Island, understanding what this next phase is all about.

If moving to Mozambique was Book One, moving to California and starting art school was Book Two, then this is Book Three. I am still based in the Bay Area but the cast of characters is significantly different, as is my perspective. I feel deeply moved to write these days, but found myself questioning whether it was right to continue blogging here, in this space that is all about homes I no longer live in, a career I no longer have, and a man I am no longer married to.

Despite all that has changed, this is still the place where I feel the most comfortable sharing, documenting, and processing my life. I remind myself there is no "wrong" in continuing to write my own story, even if the space is imbued in memories of Books One and Two. What a blessing, really, to have this record to look back upon.

Thirteen years have gone by since I started this blog on a rainy evening in Austin. I am now 36, working as an artist and translator, married to a soulful Brazilian cinematographer named Roberto. We met in San Francisco through a mutual friend, a beautiful story for another day. We live in a light-filled apartment about 10 minutes away from my mom's house. My days are spent making jewelry and painting in my studio, interpreting in hospitals and at welfare appointments, and translating technical documents. Roberto spends his time going to ESL school and working on various film and video projects. Life is good.

At some point I'll share some photos, perhaps from our wedding at City Hall, or from recent travel to Hawaii, New Mexico, and Italy/Slovenia. And I'll share stories. There are SO many stories from the last two years that I want to get out before the details dull. But for now, a small synopsis of Book Three thus far:

• I healed my heart from the end of a marriage, relationship, partnership, and friendship
• I lived with my mom for 1.5 years for the first time since I was 15
• I started working as an interpreter
• I reconnected with my roots in the Italy/Slovenia border region
• I opened myself to finding love again, and did!
• I lived in San Francisco for 6 months with Roberto in a shared apartment in the very foggy Outer Richmond neighborhood, and eventually rented a place of our own in the East Bay. 
• I realized that I want to be a mother. 
• We got pregnant!!
• We found out at 13 weeks that our baby had Turner's Syndrome and the pregnancy was not viable.
• We lost the baby at 14 weeks.
• We got married!! (Very strange to be celebrating and grieving at the same time).
• I have a new name - Ali Ambrosio!!
• My dad was diagnosed with cancer (again) and had major surgery. Thankfully he's now recovering.
• Roberto had a heart attack (he is 40 and otherwise healthy) and we discovered he has several congenital heart defects. So so so grateful he received treatment and is now seemingly okay.
• Contemplated moving to the Big Island of Hawaii (the tropics were calling big time, but we realized our destiny is elsewhere)
• Currently figuring out how to make life work in the Bay Area, with a medium-term plan to spend half our time in Italy/Slovenia.

So far Book Three has been dizzyingly intense. You can understand why I need to write again. Looking forward to sharing here frequently, I've missed blogging and missed interacting with you, my lovely readers, if any of you are still out there after all this time. :)

Tractors and Translating and Tanzanite

My life right now! I am working on a custom tanzanite and white gold ring for a client-friend. It is a piece for her daughter, using a stone bought when my client was in Tanzania a decade ago, a gift to commemorate her daughter graduating high school and celebrating a birthday.

It's been a massively challenging piece to make. Lots of very small scale complex curves. It's hard to make thick wire do what you want it to when you are working tiny. You need lots of leverage. Also rectangular stones are by far the hardest to set in my opinion. So much precision. So much laser-focus measuring and cutting. And the soldering setup. OH, the soldering setup is so hard. But it is a wonderful way to continue developing my skills. Nothing like a project that twists your brain and challenges your endurance and ingenuity. It's nearly done. Yay.

When I'm not in the studio, I'm working as an in-person Portuguese interpreter here in the Bay Area. Mostly it's accompanying families on their children's medical appointments (well-child visits, cardiologist, dermatologist, endocrinologist, etc) but this last week I interpreted at a special needs school for 8 different people (school principal, student's father, teachers, county mental health representatives, occupational therapist) as they went over the student's annual progress, academic performance, behavioral issues, and goals for the next year. It was intense and high-level interpreting, as people were presenting formal reports and recommendations. All my experience writing business plans and donor reports was useful, as there is a similar vocabulary to talk about goals, recommendations, and evaluations across sectors.

Also in a throwback to Mozambique, I am doing written translations for an agricultural project in the Northern part of the country. I'm grateful that while translating on-the-ground in Moz, I took the time to put together a vocabulary dictionary with regional specifics and reminders to myself of particularly hard-to-translate expressions. I'm definitely using that to remember the local terms for things like "weeding," "mechanized land preparation," and "demand," all the while learning new things about field preparation and the benefits of using tractors and disking and improved seeds. Very interesting, and thankfully so far the source texts have been very well-written, which makes translating so much smoother!

Ok. Back to work. Time to set the tanzanite.

Invisalign Day Five

After five days of wearing invisalign, I feel slightly better than I did on day one. The hardest part is the social aspect of not being able to go out for extended eats and drinks. I also miss nursing a coffee in the morning, and having snacks throughout the day. Although in some ways, invisalign is the willpower I never had regarding food, so I am developing better habits and eating when I'm truly hungry as opposed to when I'm bored, lonely, anxious, procrastinating, or simply because it's there.

My mouth is a bit sore and my tongue is a little cut up, but nothing compared to the agony of metal braces. I've been really diligent about brushing and cleaning both my teeth and the aligners, so no complaints there (some people have issues with the trays becoming cloudy or gross). I've been using Dawn dish soap to scrub them, which seems to work quite well and is cheap and easy. My final complaint is that I still lisp a little bit, but it seems like others don't notice it the way I do.

To compensate for the self-consciousness of having weird stuff on my teeth and a small speech impediment, I got a haircut and have been ramping up the workouts and taking the time to do my makeup (no lipstick, though!! NOT compatible with invisalign). So I'm feeling fly and also feeling like such the ugly duckling. A funny combination, for sure...

Here's hoping I get more and more used to this.

Invisalign Day One

Today I started treatment with invisalign. My dentist recommended it not for aesthetic reasons,  rather for functional/health reasons(although I do have crooked teeth because I didn't properly wear my retainer after braces as a teenager). The main culprit is a lower incisor that juts to the outside of my top teeth, a classic cross bite. My bite doesn't align properly, my teeth are starting to get ground down in weird ways, and I was having TMJ issues. After hearing my dentist's speech about how these symptoms will evolve in the long term, I was convinced.

I am set up with 32 aligners (clear trays that progressively move your teeth), each of which I should wear for 22 hours a day. I will switch to a new aligner every two weeks, bringing with it some soreness as my teeth adapt to their new position. So best case scenario I'm looking at about 16 months of treatment.

By far the hardest part of invisalign will be wearing the trays for 22 hours a day. You only remove the aligners to eat and drink, and no snacks or coffee or gum or anything between meals. You also have to majorly step up your oral hygiene game and brush and floss your own teeth, and as well as clean the aligners after each removal.

My dental visit today was a bit traumatic, as they had to shave down about 10 of my teeth in order to open up space for them to move into their new position. On my top teeth they had to create .3mm gaps, and on my bottom teeth they had to create .5mm gaps. Half a millimeter is a huge amount to shave off a tooth. Because dentists and jewelers use many of the same tools and processes, I not only was very familiar with the rotary drill and diamond disc, I could imagine exactly what was being done to my enamel because it's exactly what I do to metal every day. I really think this is a case where ignorance is bliss. It also hurt, but I am a baby with very sensitive teeth.

I also have 18 attachments (also called buttons) on my teeth now, basically little knobs of tooth-colored material that helps the plastic trays grip your teeth and get them moving. Some people require no attachments and no tooth filing...I got "lucky" and was prescribed a pretty heavy dose of both. What's worse is you can totally notice them, especially with the trays in, so my invisalign is far from invisible.

My initial feeling when seeing my mouth with the aligners in was regret. I feel ugly and awkward and have a little bit of a lisp (they say it gets better after a few days once your tongue adjusts to the aligners). I am dreading being in social situations that call for removal of the trays. I can't even contemplate dating with these babies in the mix, although that's not on my radar at this point anyhow so I suppose cross that bridge when I come to it. I am trying to keep the long-term perspective that this is a sound investment in my health, and that a little bit of suffering now will be worth it to avoid serious problems down the line. But today I just feel blah.

Yes to This, No to That

This year I'm making some intentional shifts in where my yes's and no's are. Some of this feels terrifying, some of it feels like a relief, some feels like adventure waiting to unfold.

SAYING YES TO TRAVEL means saying NO to:

- a geographically fixed workspace

- a consistent open-to-the-public schedule at the gallery 

- being able to attend all of the local events that interest me

- other tempting ways of using my time and money

SAYING YES TO THE WORK I WANT TO MAKE means saying NO to:

- certain requests for custom work or repairs

- certain social activities because I need lots of time in the studio

- an easily defined image/style (which causes me stress because I like to be cohesive, and the work I want to make feels pretty random right now)

SAYING YES TO MY PHYSICAL HEALTH means saying NO to:

- eating too much sugar

- smoking too much weed

- weighing myself obsessively

SAYING YES TO MY EMOTIONAL HEALTH means saying NO to:

- behavior patterns that cause me pain

- toxic relationships

- the stigma of being in therapy

SAYING YES TO THE SPACE I NEED means saying NO to:

- a shared studio space

- employing an assistant

- a boundary-less existence with the family business

SAYING YES TO MY CREATIVE PRACTICE means saying NO to:

- having my phone in the studio

- the need to make "good" work

- fear of being vulnerable

Groove Back

What have I been up to lately? Oh, you know, finding my fabulousness again.

Sometime around February things began to shift. After many years of not feeling like myself deep down, I was ready to reconnect with ME.

I started painting (something I've wanted to do for-ever), allowing myself the pleasure of creating spontaneous worlds of color. For all the fun of abstract painting, I've also been drawn to the insane technical challenge of representational painting. Still lives and even a portrait. Really what I need to do is practice drawing - learn how to lay a good foundation for the color and volume that come next. I so struggle with lines and perspective. But that challenge is a big part of what keeps me coming back.

I made some ballsy custom jewelry that threw me way outside my comfort zone but also showed me I can be confident in my work. This necklace has 23 repurposed diamonds from my client's mother's wedding band, set in 18k gold in a field of blue enamel. Technically this was a major challenge, but I did it!

I decided it was high time to get the tattoo I'd been thinking about for the last few years, and now have my personal map on my back. It's a mash-up of the places that are/were home: Casa Cali, Maputo, Austin, Albuquerque, Rio, Peci (Italy). Six dots, lots of geography, lots of living.

I also cleaned up my eating and drinking habits and lost 10+ pounds in 3 months. What was the trick? An app called MyFitnessPal where you can log foods and exercise. Well, that and finally dealing with some emotional/personal stuff that I'd been desperately avoiding for the past ten years or so. Ten and ten. Lots of weighty stuff. Ha, ha.

I've been going to Hipline (the dance studio in Oakland I love so much) a lot, as usual. And doing pilates, and running. And I even started swimming at the Plunge (lovely pool by our house) on Tuesdays at 6:15am. I feel so good, I'm on my way to a six-pack, and my thigh-waist proportions are less drastic which means I can wear pants again without feeling like I'm being squeezed to death.

Speaking of, I recently held a snake for the first time (well, the tail end of my friend Emi's ball python) but even so - major phobia overcoming right there! I thought I'd be brave enough to hold the whole snake, even wrap it around my neck, but there was no way that was going to happen. I was pretty proud of getting this far given my history.

It's good to be back.

Creative Business: What Makes Me (Un)Happy

Lately I've been feeling very unhappy about being a jeweler and having the gallery. These growing pains are part of the ride, but it's time for a major adjustment when the thing I love becomes the thing I most want to avoid. Because, you know, I already burned out on one career (see: the archives of this blog between 2006 and 2009) and I'd prefer that not happen again.

The things that make me unhappy are pretty easy to identify:

- Allowing my business side to take over at the expense of my artist side. Focusing too much on numbers and sales and foot traffic, and very especially measuring my success by those metrics.

- Acting like a retail jewelry store. This is not what I want to do, but it is the easiest model to follow and the one that people most readily understand. And the desire to have a flourishing business where others understand what I'm doing, support it, approve of it...I won't lie. It's there.

- Making jewelry that I think will sell, not the pieces my gut/soul/whatever leads me to create. Production work is a tempting mistress. Again, it's what others most easily "get". It's safe and expected/accepted. It's the most lucrative strategy, at least in the short term. But it is the wrong path for me, and that I do know in my gut. Focusing on production work (think wearable, fashionable jewelry collections that are made in multiples) is the fast track to my business mind taking over.

- Living too much in the future. Planning excessively. Scheduling every free moment. Maxing out my productivity.

- Creating a public persona where I don't allow myself to be real, vulnerable, messy, or uncertain. Feeling like I always have to front positivity and be "on" in order to be successful. Here I feel free to tell it like it is. On my www.aliamaro.com blog and newsletter and in the gallery, I don't. There is a major filter in place. I recognize the importance of privacy, of keeping some semblance of separation between business and personal life...but it bothers me that I don't feel okay sharing my authentic self in the spaces where I share my work.

- Feeling overly obligated to others. Man this is a big one. I want to share my opportunities with my fellow artists, and I want to contribute to my community...but there needs to be balance so I'm not consumed up in the process.

So there's the unhappy list, in a nutshell. Now for what makes me happy (it's a much less philosophical list):

- Doing the painting exercise I invented where I color mix for 5 minutes, then apply paint to the canvas for 5 minutes, let dry, and repeat. These loose, colorful, free paintings are my favorite thing right now in terms of studio work.

- Taking photos of textures, patterns, and architecture. Taking portraits.

- Creating compositions with objects. Finding edges that match and angles that meet. Finding balance within asymmetry.

- Playing with color. Putting together unexpected palettes. Organize things according to gradients.

- Doing processes that involve the unknown. Like enameling, where you have no idea what the colors will look like before you apply heat. Or using my jeweler's saw to slice into those dried acrylic paint balls I like so much, revealing a hidden interior.

- Rendering (drawing) jewelry. I think I like it because it's so damn hard and the results are so gratifying. Nothing like a challenge.

- Being a stylist: putting together a great outfit, nailing proportion, mixing patterns, accessorizing.

- Creating something for another person that is incredibly meaningful to them.

- Doing nothing. Hanging out with cats. Being in the sun. Dancing.

- Getting away. Traveling. Exploring. Wandering.

I am going to pin this to my studio wall and make it a priority to look at it, reflect on it, allow myself to say YES to things on the happy list and STOP doing the things on the unhappy list without guilt or anxiety or insecurity. I'm not sure what the result will look like, in terms of what I'll create or where it will lead. And that's part of the exercise.  

Julho Nervoso

Man, July has been quite the month when it comes to anxiety and nerves. There's been:

* World Cup (enough said).

* Fraud using my business credit card.

* A medical procedure that was pretty straightforward but had me absolutely terrified, shaking and crying the entire time. I have some major phobias surrounding cutting, stitching, and just knowing that someone is "messing with" my body. I am still exhausted from the emotional energy spent at the doctor's office.

* Results from said procedure: basal cell carcinoma. What????? Yep. A dot of skin cancer on my shoulder. Highly treatable, very unlikely to give me future problems, but still. Que susto! If you've spent lots of time in sunny-ass places like New Mexico, Brazil, Mozambique, and California, go get your spots looked at. I was shocked at this diagnosis, especially because I'm young, my skin seemed ok, nothing overly suspicious or strange going on. Just a routine skin check, and boy am I glad I went!!

On a much more pleasant note, Rico and I had our 6 year wedding anniversary at the beginning of the month. We went to the Fogo do Chão churrascaria at Santana Row in San Jose. It was pretty delicious, but not quite up to par with the Fogo in São Paulo. Still, it was a relaxing getaway and allowed me to baby my stitches.

Hard to believe it's been 6 years already...

A Break

I have terrible tendonitis of the forearm. Not tennis elbow or carpal tunnel's, but a throbbing, chronic pain in the muscles on the top side of my arm that run from my elbow to my wrist.

Many people have wondered, upon hearing me complain of debilitating pain in my arm, whether it's due to my jewelry work. Thankfully - mercifully - the answer is no.

The tendonitis is due to hours upon hours of using a laptop and mouse, which is good and bad. Bad in the sense that these days, computer use is truly inevitable for most people in most professions in most parts of the world. I'm bound to overuse my arm in bouts for the rest of my life (translating, writing papers, emails, web updates, even blogging when I have an idea that I furiously need to record lest I forget it forever). The good news is that I can, in fact, reduce my computer use.

While a nearly imossible task to ponder, especially if the bulk of your daylight hours have been spent on or near a computer for the last 7 years, and admittedly quite anxiety-inucing to think about (What will I miss out on? An important email? A Skype call? A heart to my Etsy shop? A comment on my blog?), I am happy to report that it's possible. More than possible. It's a pleasure.

I am happily semi-connected these days.

Sometimes it's in intense bouts of blog posts or copy-writing, but for the most part I'm offline. At least to compared to my computer usage before the tendonitis problems (which really started to interfere in my life in the last few months we were in Maputo, to the point where for several days I was unable to hold a fork or a pen, much less do anything "productive").

I make myself turn off the computer at night, and I never bring the laptop upstairs if I can help it. Our decision to make the downstairs part of our house the Work level, and the upstairs part our Life level has totally helped. Unlike our work-on-the-dining-table, eat-in-the-office patterns in Maputo, we actually have parts of our house that are totally dedicated to work. We still don't maintain super-rigid schedules, but it makes a tremendous difference in being happy working from home.

Okay, sometimes we break down and eat takeaway pizza in front of our computers while working, but it's infrequent. I swear.

Back to the arm thing. Having a physical separation between "computer on" and "computer off" zones has helped get disconnected. School has definitely helped, too. Being in studio classes for 6 hours a day, during which I have absolutely no inclination to look at email or read celebrity gossip, I couldn't care less about a computer. Even about a phone (I am notoriously terrible for ignoring my calls, forgetting to listen to voice mails, forgetting my phone on silent/off)...

Speaking of the phone, I think I am the only person on earth who can say that getting a Blackberry lead to decreased internet use and time "connected". It's been a wonderfully unexpected silver lining to me finally agreeing to get a Blackberry. Remember the description of my phone use habits above? I was perfectly happy with a phone that didn't access the internet or any of that hoo-haw. I used it to make calls (and ocasionally receive them). I didn't even text because, despite my LOVE AFFAIR WITH THE SMS back in Mozambique, texting is damn expensive here and I refuse to pay $0.20 to say "Running 8m late".

I was content in my phone simplicity, but getting a proper website for my jewelry made me aware that it's important to be able to respond to an email in the middle of the day far from the computer. If I get a sale, I want to know asap so I can plan the time I'll need for production, if necessary. Hours can actually make a difference. So I agreed to Rico's long-running attempt to convince me to get a Blackberry.

In the beginning, I was frustrated because I didn't know how to use all the buttons. So I used the phone even less, and didn't even go online. But then I learned how to retrieve my emails, and all was good in the world. In my break between classes, I can quickly check to be sure there's nothing urgent. The rest of the emails or Facebook updates or whatever...I IGNORE. Part of me can't believe I've conquered the "Oh my God, what a ludicrous blog post on development in Mozambique, I HAVE TO RESPOND IMMEDIATELY with my opinion!" instinct that plagues so many of us online, but seemingly I have.

And what does responding immediately, via Blackberry, to the important stuff and simply letting the rest wait until I am ready to sit at the computer for a few hours accomplish? It gets me away from the trap of hour-upon-hour of vague, aimless surfing of the web and checking to see if I have any new emails just because I went online to answer one little thing, or make a comment on a blog post. It horrifies me to think about how much time I've spent over the years moving my fingers and exhausting my forearm muscles with absolutely no productive aim, no entertainment value, or even a semblance of a connection (with others)? Just compulsive refreshing of the inbox and the Facebook home page, with occasional outings to read blogs or look up random things on Wikipedia. I've wasted a horrific amount of hours doing nothing online. It's no wonder my arm hates me.

Between my newfound ally (the Blackberry) and my school schedule, however, things are looking up. Sometimes I go for 2 or 3 days without even switching on my laptop. Instead I garden, make jewelry, or watch tv. Okay, lots of tv these days. I'm not sure if switching internet gossip for 16 and Pregnant can be called a good trade, but my tendonitis sure feels better. And part of me feels, in a very humble way, like a miniscule 21st-century trimph has been made: we can actually choose how much time and effort we spend online, on the computer, connected. Although some days it's hard to believe there's not an umbillical cord stretching from the monitor, anchoring you to your chair.

At Least I Can Work from Home...

Rico recently took over managing my IRA portfolio, as my strategy was to simply invest a couple thousand dollars in a diversified fund and not look at the money again until I was 65 years old. I'm not a motivated trader, it seems, as the fact that I lost a good 40% of the value of my IRA with the economic downturn didn't really bother me.

Rico, instead, is a huge trader at heart. He completely revamped the IRA, bought new stocks, started doing some short-term trading, and managed to totally recover my previous losses and earn a modest return on the portfolio within a few months.

These days, Rico spends a significant amount of time ferreting out new stock opportunities and honing his investment strategy. While I obviously couldn't be bothered, I do have one clear recommendation based on my state in the previous 48 hours:

Buy Kleenex or TwinSaver shares, for the love of God, because my single-handed consumption of tissues seems likely to boost the earnings of any company that turns out a nose-blowing product.

I caught a terrible cold while in South Africa, and to add insult to injury, was hit with a whopping case of allergies yesterday. I swear I went through 3/4 of a box of tissues within a few hours. My poor nose is totally chapped, and I'm still not through the thick of it.

I will be back to regular blogging once I am feeling better, once I have finished my pending translating job, and once I have completed a giant jewelry order for a colleague. Oh, and then I'm heading to Nampula and Zambézia for field work...I guess look for regular posting in June.

A-l-l-e-r-g-i-e-s

I have terrible allergies today. The attacks are getting more frequent, which is disturbing. I'm going to an allergist in Nelspruit to get another allergy test. This is becoming a stress on my quality of life again, à la Chimoio.

In other news, Rico and I are happy that one of our old favorite restaurants, Villa Itália - has reopened. It is now located on the corner of Av. Mártires da Machava and Av. Matheus Sansão Muthemba, just up from Inter Thai. Their pasta is easily the best in Maputo, well worth suffering through the bad service.

Rico and I went shopping today with our friend A. in preparation for a long weekend trip to Tofo. We bought food, drinks and entertainment, namely a paddle ball set, a frisbee, two decks of cards and Scrabble. Rico and I have been playing Scrabble all evening, and are about to start another game now along with a glass of vinho verde. At least it will distract me from my allergies for a bit...

Newly Un-Wise

Last week, Rico and I drove through to Nelspruit to get his wisdom teeth removed. All four of them. I was much more nervous than Rico was, and really struggled to keep it together as his caretaker. I wish I were less queasy.

The oral surgeon was very professional, and they were able to accomodate us with a first-time consult and then the procedure all in the same morning. Nelspruit really caters to people coming in from Mozambique and Swaziland for medical procedures, adn they are quite practical about new patients who only have one or maybe two days to get everything taken care of. It is incredibly convenient, definitely worth the trip.

Rico only had local anesthetic during the procedure, and was incredibly calm about the prospect of being aware of his impacted teeth being removed from the bone. I, on the other hand, was not. I had to drink juice in the waiting room to ward away the feeling that I was about to pass out (queasy feeling not helped at all by the woman who had the appointment before Rico's and groggily came into the waiting room rattling her 4 wisdom teeth in a plastic cup for all to see).

Thankfully everything went according to plan, and Rico is recovering well. We spent 2 days at a guesthouse in Nelpsruit resting before driving back to Maputo, and I think that was essential. We always stay at Chez Vincent, and it was wonderful to have the owners going out of their way to get us a spare ice pack, make soup and mashed potatoes for Rico's dinner...while in the meantime ensure that I had a nice glass of red wine to relax, and some of the best French food I've had in ages.

Rico is now brancing out from a liquid-only diet to soft things like rice and oatmeal. By next week, he should be off the painkillers and nearly back to normal. I think we're both grateful that you only have to remove wisdom teeth once in a lifetime. :)

Nairobi Bound

Tomorrow I am heading to Nairobi for a week-long training to learn the new accounting system they have implemented at the organization where I'm consulting. I am the only non-financial person attending the training, which is aimed at the end-user of the system. I fear I'm in for a bit of a tedious week, but it will be a useful skill down the line (at least that's what I'm telling myself).

Good points to look forward to:

- first time in Kenya
- free day on Saturday to explore the city
- staying at a beautiful hotel with a gym that offers classes and a trainer
- a friend-of-a-friend offered to meet up one day and show me around
- cooler weather
- inauguration of President Obama!

Any Nairobi recommendations? Any ideas of where Inauguration celebrations might be happening?

In other news, I woke up this morning with what I can only imagine is a spider bite on my middle finger. It looks like a mosquito bite (no puncture marks or open sore), but is surrounded by bruising. I went to the clinic to get it checked out, and the attending doctor helpfully prodded the bruised areas with his pinky fingers, then said he thought it was a "picada de inseto" (insect bite), and proceeded to prescribe calamine lotion. It took a full 5 minutes, and was by far the most useless consult I've ever been to in my life. I don't know what I expected - antibiotics? an explanation of what to look out for if the bite worsens? - but I have to say I didn't feel like I got proper treatment this morning.

I've trawled the internet looking at photos of spider bites (there's some scary images out there!), and will look out for any signs of the bite worsening. I think what has me most freaked out is that I've never had a bite like this, and the color of my finger nearly matches my freshly painted mauvey-brown nails!

Yeah, Well I'm Bothered, Too

I was supposed to lead a task group meeting this afternoon at the Big International Company where I have been consulting since February. We need to provide descriptions of all the SMEs (small and medium enterprises) in which BIC has invested in Mozambique. It's not a difficult task, but it requires coordination to get all the financial, technical assistance and other information together.

Anyhow, I was just informed that we won't be able to have the meeting because my colleague Ratinha didn't come to work today.

"Ela está incomodada," my colleague Tortoise told me.

This is one of the best Mozambican euphemisms of all time. 'Estar incomodada' literally means 'to be bothered', but in this instance it is code for 'she has her period'.

That's right - lovely Ratinha didn't come to work today because of the devastatingly serious reason that SHE HAS HER PERIOD. And the whole freaking office knows. She didn't just call in sick or say she was taking a personal day. Nope, miss Rata told her boss and the secretary quite openly that she was "bothered" and they all understood immediately that the poor dear wouldn't be in today. In fact, perhaps she wouldn't be recovered from her bothersome condition until early next week.

The worst part is that Ratinha is no exception to the rule, and it seems to be standard practice here for women to call in "bothered" to work and for employers to nary bat an eyelash!

I tried to reschedule the task meeting to no avail. "Epa," Tortoise said when I suggested we hold the meeting on Tuesday (Monday is a public holiday), "talvez ela ainda esteja incomodada até lá..." Yeah, no use trying to schedule something 4 days in the future because, depending on Rata's cycle, perhaps she will STILL BE ON HER PERIOD at that point and therefore out of the office!

I used to have really painful periods, and still do on occasion. I know what it is like to want to curl up in a ball and watch tv and eat chocolate all damn day. But I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that a woman having her period in Mozambique is license for 4 to 7 days out of the office, no questions asked!!! Granted, not all females pull this card here, but still - freaking insane, no?

Anyhow, I sure feel less guilty that I've been taking half-days off to work on my jewelry business and get ready for the Mozambican National Crafts Fair. At least my time out of the office is 1) used productively, and 2) UNPAID.

Nerdiness, Part Infinite

Did you know that the yellow fever vaccine is cultivated using a live sample of the virus incubated in a chicken egg? This fact alone I found very interesting, especially since the same technique has been used worldwide since 1936. But the *real* thing I found fascinating is that people who are allergic to eggs shouldn't get a yellow fever vaccine!

I've had the shot twice now, and was never asked if I was allergic to eggs prior to getting stuck with the needle. Granted, the most recent vaccine I received was an a public health clinic in Maputo at the verylastminute before traveling to Brasil, but I'm surprised none of the lawsuit-phobes working in the infections disease clinics in the US thought to mention this little fact.

Here in Brazil, one of the world leader in vaccine development, researchers have been developing a yellow fever vaccine using a dna sequence as the starting point, as opposed to a live culture. Unfortunately, the project is at risk of being aborted because of lack of funding. Quel surprise...

Trying to Keep My Head Above Water!

I'm overwhelmed and wish I had more time to do all the things I must accomplish before my trip to Brazil on Saturday. I also wish I had a car. And real living room furniture. And a Valentino dress, and a house with a garden, and a pony...

I'm tired and up too late. Also battling a sinus infection. Again. Ugh.

More later, most likely tomorrow during one of the inevitable periods of boredom I get during the day.

What's Scarier: My Nasty Pink-Eye or "The Ring"?

I am spending the day at home today because I've managed to come down with conjunctivitis. It started yesterday, and I've been slightly miserable and goopy-eyed since then.

So far it's been an enjoyable day, given the circumstances. I made an out-of-this-world batch of chocolate-coconut brownies, have had multiple cups of tea, finished revising a fundraising proposal for an old client, thus wrapping up one of my last remaining freelance jobs, and am now waiting for Jenny to come over and have lunch.

This evening I've committed to going to Movie Night, the regular Thursday get-together hosted by a couple of boys from the World Food Program. Tonight's film is "The Ring", which is by far the scariest thing I've ever seen on a screen. I first watched it in Austin at my friend Michelle's house, and had to talk out loud to myself to make it on the drive over the railroad tracks and back to my house through deserted back roads at 2am without totally freaking out.

I don't really know why I'm so excited to watch something I know will give me nightmares for the next 3 weeks, but I am.

Here's hoping the old pink-eye clears up in time for the movie...

Ah, on a related note, there is going to be a big Halloween party here in Maputo this Saturday and I am at a loss for a costume. Any ideas (that don't involve the purchase of anything complicated, and are ideally warm-weather-friendly)???

Fitness

Today I went to the gym for the first time in a while. The last time I made it there was a couple weeks ago at 6am with my friend Jenny - which is something I'm trying to make a habit - but then my membership card expired and, truth be told, I got lazy. Before that, I'd fallen off the workout wagon and gone for a good 3 weeks without a workout.

After several guilt-laden conversations this week with Rico, and a general sense of malaise because I've been eating too much junk and not getting enough physical exercise for a while now, I decided it was time to stop wallowing and get it together. So Rico and I made it to the gym this afternoon, which was a good first step.

I renewed my membership, which was a shock to the old wallet. When I was freelancing, I could go to the gym whenever I pleased during the day, so I was able to purchase the "off-hours" package and work out from 7:30am to 4:30pm. It was expensive compared to what I used to pay for my gym back in Austin, but not outrageous.

Unfortunately, now that I'm working full-time, I have to purchase the regular membership which is ridiculously expensive. For one month it is USD 118! For this price you get access to several cardio machines, an assortment of weights and a swimming pool that isn't big enough to do laps. There is also a wet sauna in the locker rooms, but I can't stand being in there with all the steam. On the plus side, the gym is just 3 blocks from our house, is kept spotless, and has a fabulous view of the Indian Ocean when you are on the treadmills (the gym is on the 10th floor of the Hotel Avenida).

Staying in shape is important to me. Exercising has a positive effect on my mood and my energy levels, but I'll be honest - the main reason I am motivated to work out is because I want to get/stay skinny. I'm not necessarily proud that this is my principal motivation, but I'm being honest here. I'm sure it's a vestige of my eating disorder days, but I start to feel panicky if I'm not offsetting my calorie intake with some regular form of exercise. My weight still has a profound effect on my self-image and mood. When I am feeling skinny, I am happy; if I put on a little weight, I enter into a cycle of depression.

So I paid a ton of money for the gym membership because 1) I know it is important for my physical and emotional well-being; and 2) I am more likely to actually go work out 3 times a week if I feel I've paid a lot of money and therefore must make good use of my investment. My goal is to go to the gym 3 times a week, ideally in the mornings.

Today's workout made me optimistic. As I mentioned, I haven't been to the gym regularly in a while, so I was expecting to have a difficult workout and not be able to do more than 10 minutes running on the treadmill. Imagine my total surprise when I ran for 25 minutes non-stop! I haven't run this much since I started going to the Avenida gym last year. I have no idea why my fitness level seems to have gone up in my month of sloth-dom, but I'm not complaining. I just hope the trend continues and that I don't go for a workout tomorrow only to find that my resistance has taken a nosedive.

My goal for December is to be able to run 5km. Today I did 3.8, so I feel this is a reasonable target. Hopefully this will keep me motivated, along with the knowledge that if I gain any weight I won't fit into my beautiful wedding dress...

Great Weekend

The Codeine isn't as fun as I'd thought it might be. I just feel generally groggy, as if life were in slow motion. But it is certainly working against my cough. I'm now able to go out in public and not fear that people will think I have some sort of seriously contagious illness like Tuberculosis.

We've been hanging out with this friend the last few days, as he is in the big city for a bit before returning to the little village up north where he is working. It's always nice to catch up, especially for Rico, as he has only 1 or 2 guy friends here and usually ends up hanging with a bunch of girls.

Our houseguest S. is back in town, too, after a week in Sofala Province working on an HIV prevention project. She is incredibly fun to hang out with, always up for whatever might be going on. It's nice to have her back.

We all ate lunch at the fish market this afternoon, which is always an experience. You purchase your fish/squid/prawns/etc. in bulk at market stalls, then take it all to a series of little kiosk-type restaurants behind the vendors. The restaurants will cook up your meal the way you like best, and it is usually delicious and fresh for a pretty good price. The only problem is that it takes for-e-ver for the food to be prepared.

After lunch we came back home and all had a nap. The plan is to go to Coconuts tonight, the big nightclub here in Maputo, for a concert by a woman called Dama do Bling. Her style is basically hip-hop, but with a Mozambican flavor. Should be lots of fun, and great for dancing, something I've been missing these last couple of weeks.

Thanks for all the well-wishes for my health. I am definitely feeling much better.

Bring on the Legal Drugs

I saw a great Cuban doctor this afternoon at the clinic. He determined that my laryngitis was complicated by a severely irritated trachea and my stupid, ever-present allergies. I had somewhat of a coughing fit in his office, so he got to hear what I sound like as I hack away and gasp for air. I think he may have even felt sorry for me, because he got down to business with the old prescription pad and said he was giving me what people with tuberculosis take for their coughs.

Friends, after trying 5 different pharmacies to no avail, Rico and I finally found the medicines the good doctor recommended. In addition to a bad-ass looking inhaler and some allergy pills, I am now in posession of enough Codeine to get me arrested and heavily fined in several countries. I am a bit nervous to take the stuff after reading about it on the internet, but honestly this cough is at the point where I am willing to try anything.

Rico was kind enough to put together a medicine schedule for me, including a plan to wean me off the Codeine after 7 days so that I don't experience, as one site put it, "uncomfortable and potentially disturbing withdrawal symptoms."

Should be a fun week, y'all. I just hope I'm not completely out of it, as I have to actually get some work done and not just sit like a drugged lump on the guest bed watching nature documentaries from the 1980's on the Angolan public TV channel.