Early Morning Fog

This morning I look out the window of my home office and see the Vila Algarve shrouded in fog. It's so thick that I can barely make out the details of the blue and white tile murals that run along the outside of the abandoned mansion. We've recently learned through various different sources that the Vila Algarve, this architectural and aesthetic work of art, used to be owned by the Portuguese secret police during the colonial times. Rumor has it the mansion was used as a place of torture for any political dissidents or supposed enemies of the state. The other day when I was on the varanda staring out across the street, I noticed what looks like the entrance to a basement dungeon (!).

Perhaps this dark past has something to do with the fact that this beautiful-on-the-outside home is completely abandoned. On the other hand, these same sources claim that the Vila is now owned by the Mozambican Association of Laywers, and that the reason it's in ruins is due to "mismanagement" of donated funds from the European Union for its renovation. Either way, I think the fog fits this old home extremely well...

The fog also fits my mood this morning, too. I am confused about my work, how I feel about my current profession. For the life of me I can't determine whether I hate consulting and am miserable writing business plans and doing fundraising for local projects, or whether this is actually my dream job and I'm self-sabotaging because some part of me doesn't believe I deserve this success or happiness. I seem to flip-flop between these extremes at least 10 times a day. How strange not to know whether I despise something or want it with all my heart...

I realize that there is no "solution" per se to this dillema. The only thing I can do, for now, is to listen to my body and try and do away with any mind-chatter that tells me what I should or should not think about my work and my life here. I need to sit in silence and feel it in my bones. I am confident the answer will come.

I am also pretty certain that once I do gain a bit more clarity about my work situation, there won't be any radical changes in my life. In all likelihood I'll still do my consulting work, still make my jewelry, still write in my blog and fuel illusions of grandeur that I'll one day write novels about my experiences across the world. The main difference - and although small it is a crucial one - will be how I view myself.

Am I a consultant who does writing and jewelry design on the side?
Or am I a writer and jewelry designer who does consulting to pay the bills?

Something to meditate about, for sure. Speaking of which, I must make a cup of chai and go do my morning ritual on the varanda. I've found that the way I spend the first hour after waking is critical in determining how the rest of my day goes. If I connect with my body, eat a good breakfast and get showered and dressed as soon as possible, my day will almost certainly follow on a path that is satisfying. I feel good, accomplish many things on my to-do list, and have very few cravings for sugar or wine or Diet Coke. If I don't meditate or take a shower right away, I seem to get into a pattern of laziness and semi-depression that too often ends up with me getting no work done and eating 2 entire packages of sugar wafers for dinner. Not that this happened yesterday. (ahem).