Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Ups and Downs

Last night a huge storm rolled in and I sat awake for most of the wee hours of the morning watching lightning strike seemingly above our building. The acompanying thunder was the loudest I've heard in ages and it got the kittens all agitated. They chased each other relentlessly around the room, trampling me in the process and making it impossible to sleep. Like I would have been able to, anyway, with the storm and all.

Despite the lack of rest, I woke up this morning strangely satisfied. The sky was full of low-hanging gray clouds and the sunlight barely made it through. It was cold and generally nasty the entire day. I like this stormy, gloomy weather because it seems to justify my mood as of late. When it's cloudy and raining outside, nobody wants to leave the house, right? Nobody feels chipper. Nobody can be bothered to do anything but curl up with a blanket and some hot tea and watch DVD's all afternoon. So on gray days my feelings are actually in line with those of the general population. Everyone feels down, I'm not the odd one out.

Is it possible for a person to develop geographically or situationally induced manic depressive disorder? I honestly don't believe I suffer from the disease, but I certainly feel like I exhibit it's symptoms lately. I go from feeling optimistic and like my life is totally on track, to feeling the most unbelievable numbness and lack of desire to do anything at least 15 times a day.

Sometimes I love living in Africa. Life is laid back, there is no pressure from deadlines, emphasis is on the things that matter in life like family and friends instead of consumer goods. I live in a beautiful country full of simple people where it's easy to get by with relatively litte. On the other hand, this place is maddening sometimes. Nothing works on time, nobody is reliable, resources are absent or outdated at best, most people live in extreme poverty and that makes me feel guilty all the time. I miss my family and hate that I am so far away from the people I love. I have so few friends here I can count them on two fingers. Literally. For all the benefits, I wonder why I insist on staying here when the negatives make me so depressed.

Sometimes I love my job and the opportunity it gives me to do two of my favorite things: write and work in a developing country. I feel I can make a difference, that as a result of my efforts local businesses will be improved, entrepreneurs will get start-up money, foreign investment will be facilitated and in general I'll have helped Mozambique on the path to sustainable development. Other times I feel like consulting is just a bunch of bullshit, that I am a fraud. How can I tell anyone how to make their business better when, 1) I've never owned a business myself, and 2) I know next to nothing about the industries my clients work in. I am so smooth in presentations and can write in such a way that it seems I know what I'm talking about, who will ever know the difference? I am constantly worried that someone will "figure me out."

Sometimes I'm energized and inspired by the people I work with. Other times I see right through the polished exterior to the political connections, false alliances and corruption that are behind the scenes in just about every job I've ever worked. I get tired of dealing with these people, of playing the game.

Sometimes I love the fact that my self-employed existance allows me to get up whenever I feel like it, set my own schedule, wear any old thing to work, take time off whenever I'm so inclined, and basically be the master of my own destiny as far as time and lifestyle are concerned. Then there are the days where I realize that I have absolutely no capacity for self-discipline, that I really don't work very hard at all, that I procrastinate to no end all the while fretting about the work to be done and the salary to be earned. My success is a direct factor of the effort I put into this job, and the fact that I'm not able to get my shit together is really quite disapointing. All I want to do these days is make jewelry and crochet, read and write blog entries, cook and drink tea on the varanda. All lovely passtimes, but I can't seem to buckle down and get my "real" work done, no matter how much I try to bribe myself or set goals.

This is the existance I've always hoped for: self-employed, reasonable earning potential, opportunity to live in an interesting place, multiple chances for travel. I'm starting to realize that maybe I'm not cut out for this. Will I ever be disciplined enough to make it work? Because now I'm certainly not. Sometimes I think my lack of enthusiasm for this job is a sign that it's really not right for me. Some days I downright hate consulting and anything associated with the business world and that I'd really be better off with another occupation. Then there's this voice that creeps up and says that the real problem is that I'm taking my blessings for granted.

I feel like I need someone to give me a bit shake and tell me to get my shit together before this opportunity passes me by. I've tried to shake myself but it never quite seems to work.

I know everyone goes through similar conflicts about work and life in general, but I feel like mine are really extreme. I am either super happy or down in the dumps and wanting to cry. There seems to be no middle ground. And yet, my intuition tells me that it's not yet time for me to leave Mozambique, no matter how frustrated or alone I may feel. There is some part of my destiny here that I must still fulfull. I have a feeling it has to do with me finally coming to peace with the doubts I've written about above, and whatever it is I choose to do when the answer finally becomes a bit more clear.

I have a strong feeling it may involve writing a book.

13 comments:

kanuthya said...

I have a strong feeling that your strong feeling is right :)
In the moments you manage to get your things done and escape the procrastination, you probably feel wonderful and proud, right? I should know, I share the same problem... I think what brings those downs is having so much inside and such a strong desire to express ourselves, in our jobs, in our creative activities, at home, and still not being able to break the pattern of whatever is blocking us. I don't think Mozambique itself has somehow led you to these feelings (although the possibility you mention is absolutely true - I tried as hard as I could to stay out of Canada during the winter). But your life changed in every way. And right now, you're facing all that by yourself. I know you are an independent brave girl, as you should be, but I believe your partner may play a very important role. Not because you need him to make you feel better. We need to say some things out loud. Often the asnwers don't come because of advice or support others might give us, but just by listening to ourselves.

kerry said...

i hope you find some peace... i've been noticing about several people around me lately that they tell me how inadeuate or incapable they feel, and yet they really are doing it - not just looking like they are doing it - they truly are, but are just too in whatever it is to realize their own strength and endurance that they are displaying. ali, i personally think you deserve to just sit and drink tea and write. i hope you get to with satisfaction.

Mike Hu said...

Your honesty is very refreshing. You’re lucky that you are so sensitive to your own feelings -- because many, if not most, are not. Everything that is happening, is the truth of your own life -- no matter what others say, or even you yourself, believe. Some things you believe are just wrong -- and you find that out, by trusting your own senses and judgment.

The quandaries you’re confronting are the things they don’t teach in school --but they should -- rather than merely carrying on the tradition of obsolete and useless information for learning’s sake. That’s a large part of the failure of modern education -- that it is not modern at all, but traditional, preparing us to live in the past. And what we really want to know, and would have immense value, is how to live in the present.

Unfortunately, that is what only the few, of the most able, ever confront. Among even some of the more accomplished in the traditional ways, they never confront the challenge of the present -- which of course becomes the future, as well as the past. So the present is the only reality that matters.

Anyone only begins to learn after they leave school -- and so one of the great calamities of education is that most engaged in it never leave school -- and so think they know all the answers, when they have not even begun to ask the right questions.

Do not be troubled that you are asking the right questions.

Ali Ambrosio said...

~Kanuthya - Yes, in the moments I manage to get my "real" work done I do feel immense satisfaction. Getting started is definitely the hardest part, then I'm able to create a rhythm to my work and am able to finish without much of a problem. But taking that first step - ugh, it is so hard.

I also don't think it's Mozambique that brought out my tendency to doubt or procrastinate. This is simply the first time I've not had any deadlines, nobody to really be accountable to other than myself. Which is all that really matters in the end, but it's the first time I've come up against how hard it truly is to be disciplined.

Having someone to listen to you hash out your problems is so valuable, be it a partner, family member or a friend. Right now I lack both in the physical realm of my world, although via phone and internet I have Rico, my family and loads of friends, both "real" and virtual. Thanks for listening to me talk (write) it all out.

~Kerry - I think I deserve the tea sipping and writing, too! I just have to support myself at the same time with my "real" work, and not procrastinate so much so that I'm not stressed beyond the point of being able to enjoy the other stuff.

~Mike - You always have such wise advice and this time you've really hit the nail on the head. This is exactly how I feel about academia, you've expressed it so clearly. And I really appreciate the point you make about living in the present. It's all we can do, really. Thanks so much for your validation about me asking the right questions.

~Argos - Belive me, there is a seemingly endless fountain of doubt hidden inside, I just don't always write about it on the blog. I deal with it every single day...in my work (being a fraud), being a writer (not good enough), being an artist (not unique enough), being a woman (not thin or pretty enough), being a wanderer (never feel settled).

I like the idea of the value that comes from those shipwrecked times in life. Let me know if you run across who wrote about it.

And thanks for your support as well. It is amazing how we become friends and cheerleaders for each other without having properly met.

Ali Ambrosio said...

An update -

Today I bit the bullet and got down to work on the banana project. I've managed to get a significant amount accomplished and feel satisfed. Why is it so hard just to sit down and start working on a project?

My next thing to tackle is a writing assignment a virtual friend has invited me to take on. I shall be writing about "the city" and, despite feeling somewhat uninspired, I know that once I get the pen moving (or my fingers typing, as may be the case) it will all come together.

Putting it off certainly won't get the article written, as it won't get my business plan completed.

_+*Ælitis*+_ said...

no dia 20/09 estive em Roissy à tua espera. La fui e disseram que o voo tinha chegado com uma hora de avanço.
Estavas vestida de preto e vermelho?
La fiquei, não te vi e senti-me fraca e muito triste.
Queria muito encontrar-te mas enfim...

_+*Ælitis*+_ said...

So i saw you... I was behind you, behind the glass wall for 15 minutes. I know you perfectly from behind now...

And it makes me twice as sad...

Masood Ahmed said...

The followers of dreams sometimes do doubt about the viabilty of their dreams but then they hear a voice from inside to carry on. The voice you hear to carry on is voice of truth.

Michelle said...

I often have strong feelings of dissatisfaction. I know a bit about where you are coming from having lived in Mexico, which I know is nothing compared to Moz, but still. When I was in Mexico, I was dissatified with not being able to find material things I liked (such as good yarn), the business timetable and not being able to do anything about poverty. Here in the US, I am upset with crime rates, materialism, suburbanish boredom, etc. Of course, there are things I am enchanted with as well...

I suppose it all boils down to ultimately being comfortable being in your own skin. I'm not there yet. I have to stop myself from always looking for a "better" place to be, a "more meaningful" job, etc.

Hey, and if you have the discipline to write a book (which no doubt would be very interesting), you are light years ahead of me!

liz elayne lamoreux said...

i have to admit to feeling similar things sometimes. as though my emotions yo-yo a bit. feelings that people will find me out (that i don't really know anything). feelings about not wanting to work and wanting to watch movies, go to the park, take pictures, nap, eat, anything to not work. i sometimes wonder if i have the self-discipline to work from home as well. though i have been for two years, it is only in the last few months that it has been full time. some weeks i feel like i have worked 60 hours only to realize i worked 40. i just don't really love, love it, just kind of love it, so the hours can seem longer.

you are brave to be looking inside at these questions. brave to actually seek the answers and not just talk about the questions. brave to live where you live and take risks in being self-employed, being so far away from home, all of these things.

when i am here in my little house where i can just go to barnes and noble and target whenever i want and watch tv on my big old (okay new) tv, but i want to whine about something, i think about you over where you are and try to remember to take a breath.

blessings to you my dear,
liz

paris parfait said...

Ah, the joys of being self-employed! It´s a struggle discipling oneself, but it has to be done, with deadlines calling. You´re still very young and I think you can probably combine all your loves and do the work you love, eventually. Just don´t expect it all to happen overnight. Meanwhile, you´re making the most of your time and having wonderful experiences that will help inspire your writing - and eventually, your book! Your creative work is helping balance your "regular" work and I think you´re doing a good job of balancing it all. And I´m writing this after very little sleep last night and a complicated class, so am probably not making much sense. Will be back again soon! xo

Kristine said...

Ali,
I have been thinking about your post since you wrote it. I work from home too and some days I wonder if I am cut out for it. However, when I am on a roll and being productive I feel like “yeah- this is what I should be doing.” I think being productive has its ebb and flow- some days are better than others. I tend to make time to do something creative at least an hour a day (usually 2 hours a day) or else I start to feel deprived and irritated about my life and circumstances. In general however, like you, I have had to work to get over the urge to beat myself up when each day isn’t “power packed” with a feeling of productivity and purpose. And then I stop and think, if I really wanted that I could go back to the 9-5 routine or an ordinary job!

I don’t know if any of this information is helpful… I know there are many other layers to your situation.
I am thinking of you and wishing you well.

Ali Ambrosio said...

~Elite - I can't believe we missed each other. Next time I'm in Paris hopefully it will be for more than just 9 hours and we'll have a chance to meet up. Que raiva!

~Masd - I may have to e-mail you so that you can remind me of this lovely sentiment and to listen to my voice of truth. :)

~Michelle - I totally identify with what you say here. And I'm sure Mexico was just as much of a trying and eye-opening experience as Mozambique is. I agree that being happy despite the frustrations brought on by whatever place you live in or job you have comes through being happy with yourself. It sounds trite, but it's really true. I don't thing I'll ever feel "at home" no matter where I am unless I'm comfortable in my own skin.

~Liz - I wonder if the distractions ever go away. Does one perfect the art of working from home? Is there ever a point where you don't have to struggle with the urge to avoid work?

I laughed when I read that when it gets tough you think about me here in Mozambique, because I think I've actually got the easier end of the stick. Here the distractions are minimal outside the house. I can only imagine how I'd struggle with procrastination if I *were* living in the land of Target and Barnes & Noble!

~Paris Parfait - Yes, it is all about that balance between the creative side and the "real" work. I guess I feel lucky to be going through this experience at such a young age. Maybe I'll have it down pat 40 years from now, just in time to retire!

~Kristine - Thanks so much for reminding me that productivity does ebb and flow. And especially that if I wanted the rush of recognition that comes from being productive and pushing yourself beyond the limit, well then I could go find myself a corporate job. Somehow I don't think it will ever happen, no matter how frustrated I might become with myself under this work from home arrangement.

~