Ups and Downs

Last night a huge storm rolled in and I sat awake for most of the wee hours of the morning watching lightning strike seemingly above our building. The acompanying thunder was the loudest I've heard in ages and it got the kittens all agitated. They chased each other relentlessly around the room, trampling me in the process and making it impossible to sleep. Like I would have been able to, anyway, with the storm and all.

Despite the lack of rest, I woke up this morning strangely satisfied. The sky was full of low-hanging gray clouds and the sunlight barely made it through. It was cold and generally nasty the entire day. I like this stormy, gloomy weather because it seems to justify my mood as of late. When it's cloudy and raining outside, nobody wants to leave the house, right? Nobody feels chipper. Nobody can be bothered to do anything but curl up with a blanket and some hot tea and watch DVD's all afternoon. So on gray days my feelings are actually in line with those of the general population. Everyone feels down, I'm not the odd one out.

Is it possible for a person to develop geographically or situationally induced manic depressive disorder? I honestly don't believe I suffer from the disease, but I certainly feel like I exhibit it's symptoms lately. I go from feeling optimistic and like my life is totally on track, to feeling the most unbelievable numbness and lack of desire to do anything at least 15 times a day.

Sometimes I love living in Africa. Life is laid back, there is no pressure from deadlines, emphasis is on the things that matter in life like family and friends instead of consumer goods. I live in a beautiful country full of simple people where it's easy to get by with relatively litte. On the other hand, this place is maddening sometimes. Nothing works on time, nobody is reliable, resources are absent or outdated at best, most people live in extreme poverty and that makes me feel guilty all the time. I miss my family and hate that I am so far away from the people I love. I have so few friends here I can count them on two fingers. Literally. For all the benefits, I wonder why I insist on staying here when the negatives make me so depressed.

Sometimes I love my job and the opportunity it gives me to do two of my favorite things: write and work in a developing country. I feel I can make a difference, that as a result of my efforts local businesses will be improved, entrepreneurs will get start-up money, foreign investment will be facilitated and in general I'll have helped Mozambique on the path to sustainable development. Other times I feel like consulting is just a bunch of bullshit, that I am a fraud. How can I tell anyone how to make their business better when, 1) I've never owned a business myself, and 2) I know next to nothing about the industries my clients work in. I am so smooth in presentations and can write in such a way that it seems I know what I'm talking about, who will ever know the difference? I am constantly worried that someone will "figure me out."

Sometimes I'm energized and inspired by the people I work with. Other times I see right through the polished exterior to the political connections, false alliances and corruption that are behind the scenes in just about every job I've ever worked. I get tired of dealing with these people, of playing the game.

Sometimes I love the fact that my self-employed existance allows me to get up whenever I feel like it, set my own schedule, wear any old thing to work, take time off whenever I'm so inclined, and basically be the master of my own destiny as far as time and lifestyle are concerned. Then there are the days where I realize that I have absolutely no capacity for self-discipline, that I really don't work very hard at all, that I procrastinate to no end all the while fretting about the work to be done and the salary to be earned. My success is a direct factor of the effort I put into this job, and the fact that I'm not able to get my shit together is really quite disapointing. All I want to do these days is make jewelry and crochet, read and write blog entries, cook and drink tea on the varanda. All lovely passtimes, but I can't seem to buckle down and get my "real" work done, no matter how much I try to bribe myself or set goals.

This is the existance I've always hoped for: self-employed, reasonable earning potential, opportunity to live in an interesting place, multiple chances for travel. I'm starting to realize that maybe I'm not cut out for this. Will I ever be disciplined enough to make it work? Because now I'm certainly not. Sometimes I think my lack of enthusiasm for this job is a sign that it's really not right for me. Some days I downright hate consulting and anything associated with the business world and that I'd really be better off with another occupation. Then there's this voice that creeps up and says that the real problem is that I'm taking my blessings for granted.

I feel like I need someone to give me a bit shake and tell me to get my shit together before this opportunity passes me by. I've tried to shake myself but it never quite seems to work.

I know everyone goes through similar conflicts about work and life in general, but I feel like mine are really extreme. I am either super happy or down in the dumps and wanting to cry. There seems to be no middle ground. And yet, my intuition tells me that it's not yet time for me to leave Mozambique, no matter how frustrated or alone I may feel. There is some part of my destiny here that I must still fulfull. I have a feeling it has to do with me finally coming to peace with the doubts I've written about above, and whatever it is I choose to do when the answer finally becomes a bit more clear.

I have a strong feeling it may involve writing a book.