Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Open Heart

I've been engaged since December 2006 - nearly a year and six months. Since the afternoon when Rico asked me to be his wife, I've gone through a wild ride of emotions - and lack of emotions, to be honest. I've had moments of euphoria, excitement, idealism and pure love; I've also definitely suffered bouts of cold feet, committment issues, nervousness and insecurity.

Despite the uncomfortable process of working through the not-so-pleasant feelings, and the singular joy of basking in pre-wedding bliss, somehow the actual FEELINGS seem to have evaded me until now. It's as if I had experienced shadow forms of the emotions up until this point, vague shells of what I "expected" a soon-to-be-married woman should feel.

Perhaps because the event has always seemed so far in the future, I didn't really get in my body and feel what was happening to the fullest extent. Or perhaps my expectations about what it feels like to commit to a life partner were unrealistic, blown up by movies and media and society and what-not. Whatever the reason, I have been plauged with frequent feelings of numbness up until this point, holding my breath, waiting for the flood of strong emotions to hit.

Then, in the last three weeks, it's as if something has shifted. Suddenly it is all becoming quite real. I am getting married in approximately 8 weeks! I feel an acute nervousness in my stomach as I think about the half-finished renovations on the Casa Rosa. I break into an uncontrollable smile thinking about how my dress and makeup will look, and how handsome Rico will be in his gray pinstripe Italian suit. I nearly tear up imagining what my vows will say, what the hours spent preparing the right words will feel like.

I am excited, I am anxious, but more than anything I am ready.



stacie said...

Shayne and I lived together for 3 years before we did the deed, and I remember very clearly the night of our wedding how different I felt being married instead of 'finance/girlfriend'. It was a feeling of solidarity and completeness that evaded me before, and I didn't even realize that it had evaded me until I first felt the opposite. Being married is great...just remember to laugh a lot and don't get scared when your feelings are less then movie script perfect...the ebb and flow of a solid relationship is normal...

bart said...

its a big step you're taking and the wild swing of emotions is quite normal... you're a little anxious, apprehensive, happy and looking forward to the changes that will take place in your life... now that the reality of your life change is approaching you, you start adjusting in your own way in your own time...

i'm happy for you... keep well ;-)

Amber said...

Yes, it is only because it was so long a wait. Now it will all just fly by, and you will be all caught up in the energy! Congrats.

BTW, love that ring and your nails.