Open Heart

I've been engaged since December 2006 - nearly a year and six months. Since the afternoon when Rico asked me to be his wife, I've gone through a wild ride of emotions - and lack of emotions, to be honest. I've had moments of euphoria, excitement, idealism and pure love; I've also definitely suffered bouts of cold feet, committment issues, nervousness and insecurity.

Despite the uncomfortable process of working through the not-so-pleasant feelings, and the singular joy of basking in pre-wedding bliss, somehow the actual FEELINGS seem to have evaded me until now. It's as if I had experienced shadow forms of the emotions up until this point, vague shells of what I "expected" a soon-to-be-married woman should feel.

Perhaps because the event has always seemed so far in the future, I didn't really get in my body and feel what was happening to the fullest extent. Or perhaps my expectations about what it feels like to commit to a life partner were unrealistic, blown up by movies and media and society and what-not. Whatever the reason, I have been plauged with frequent feelings of numbness up until this point, holding my breath, waiting for the flood of strong emotions to hit.

Then, in the last three weeks, it's as if something has shifted. Suddenly it is all becoming quite real. I am getting married in approximately 8 weeks! I feel an acute nervousness in my stomach as I think about the half-finished renovations on the Casa Rosa. I break into an uncontrollable smile thinking about how my dress and makeup will look, and how handsome Rico will be in his gray pinstripe Italian suit. I nearly tear up imagining what my vows will say, what the hours spent preparing the right words will feel like.

I am excited, I am anxious, but more than anything I am ready.

Finally.