Friday, January 26, 2007

Deliberation on Next Steps

Lone Poppy. Fredericksburg, Texas. 2004

I think it's safe to say that 85% of the major decisions I've made in life have been based on intuition. After learning a bit about my wanderings and adventures, people often ask, "Weren't you afraid to ______________?" Fill in the blank with any number of life choices such as Study in Brasil at Age 15, or Live Alone in Rio de Janeiro, or Move to Mozambique, or even Get in a Serious Relationship with Your Boss.

The answer is "no". I've never been afraid to take these leaps of faith because I blessed with an insanely strong intution. With most big decisions, I just know. I can always provide a string of rational arguments as to why my choice is a solid one to appease parents, friends or colleagues as necessary; however a reasonable weighing of pro's and con's isn't what ultimately motivates me to pack up everything and move across continents. Certain options simply feel right on a cellular level, bringing about, when pondered, a slow-wave resonance that grounds my gut and calms my worrying mind.

For the last year or so, I've been in somewhat of a funk and can make a laundry list of things that I don't like about my present situation. I'm far from my family and it's a long, expensive trip to go home. I miss them so much I want to cry. I don't have a structured work environment and allow myself to procrastinate endlessly, at my own expense. I am super cynical about development work and feel this attitude creep into my ability and willingness to do consulting work. I don't even like consulting work to begin with (I think). Our income is ridiculously unstable and the fluctuations and financial stress are more than I ever experienced as a student. Oh yeah, I was supported by my parents back then. Oh yeah, if I'm honest I still am and have loads of debt to eventually repay to the Bank of Mom and Dad. I sleep too much but am always tired. I have these God awful allergies that are undoubtedly stress-related. I don't have access to competent medical care. I miss having access to healthy, organic food. I feel fat. I miss my friends. I feel guilty about all the poverty I see around me, but at the same time resent the "handout" mentality of so many people I've come across in Mozambique. Some days I truly believe there is no solution to the problems here, and that worse yet, I may be part of the problem myself. I could go on, and on, and on. Pity party for Ali.

Some days it gets so bad that I call my Mom or Dad or Ricardo and moan and cry on Skype about how unhappy I am here. I've lived in Mozambique for almost 2 years and I still don't feel like I'm in my element. Okay, recently I've made some really amazing girlfriends and I do admit this has helped elevate my quality of life and well-being at least 200%. And I do have a wonderful boyfriend. And family. But there are still these days when I am simply miserable. I feel lost professionally and uprooted personally. What to do, what to do?

Sick of playing poor me, and supported by my boyfriend who is no doubt sick of hearing about poor me, we started to devise a plan. Rico and I have been considering our options for several months, weighing the benefits and downsides of staying here in our present occupations, looking for stable work in Moz, moving back to Brasil, moving to the US, moving to Italy, moving to Dubai.

The one obvious thing was that something's got to give. My body is giving me that message loud and clear. First with these lousy allergy attacks on a weekly basis with no cure and no medicines or treatments out there that give me any relief, then this week I got a case of psoriasis on my scalp. The other day I was sitting at the computer running my hands through my hair when I felt these crusty layers of scalp peeling off at my fingertips. I freaked out, ran to the bathroom mirror, and started madly scratching at these thick plates on my head. It was supremely gross, and it freaked me out. Thankfully Jenny had some Neutrogena T-Gel that she gave me that seems to be helping, but guess what? Stupid psoriasis is caused by, among other things, stress. I'm sure the heat wave of late hasn't helped either, but my body is sending some serious "Pay Attention to Me and Change Shit Around in Your Life" messages.

Glad to oblige. As I said, Rico and I have been making plans. I haven't shared in the blog yet because I don't know who reads this and Maputo is a really, really small place and I didn't want news to get out before we'd had a chance to make an announcement to our collegagues. Oh, well.

Today I've decided to write.

Basically Rico got offered a job in Rio de Janeiro that is supposed to start in April. We're both tired of living on the edge financially speaking - one month we get king's salaries, then have no paying clients for the next 5 months - so he accepted the offer. We were all set making plans for the big move. Sell all of our things, break our lease on the flat, figure out how to ship the boys to Brasil, purchase tickets, etc. I even just sent out an e-mail to my friends in Brasil finally letting them in our plans (we've been plotting for several months but I've kept my mouth shut as has Rico).

For me, on the surface at least, a move to Brasil seemed to be a welcome thing. There's the casa rosa that I am completely in love with and have never truly lived in, Rio is one of my favorite cities on earth, I have lots of friends there from when I went to school in 2000/2001, Rico's family is there, it's an easy and much cheaper plane ride back to the US to visit my family.

Not to mention that I've been plotting a total career change to be a jewelry designer and creator and Brasil seems like an exciting market in which to launch my collection. I've been working on a business plan, imagining what my site will be like for online purchases, and even brainstorming about a way to involve women from the favelas around the casa rosa to train them in jewelry making techniques, and launch a parallel jewelry line made by these women whose proceeds will benefit the community.

It's like all I can do is eat, breathe and dream jewelry these days. I've been having regular jewelry parties at my house as well as the craft fairs as usual. I'm starting to create a name for myself here in Maputo as a jewelry designer and that is an amazing feeling. I sit and imagine a life spent pursuing a craft that I am passionate about, plus a component of social good. I want to set an example by doing what I love in this life. I want to get away from the ego-and-money-driven world of consulting, even when it masquerades as development work. One of the advantages of Rico accepting a stable, normal job in Rio is that we'll have a guaranteed income and I'll actually be able to take 2 years or whatever and take metalsmithing and gemology classes and try and make this jewelry thing work.

It all seemed to be coming together. Plans made, paths targeted for a better, less stressful future. Then it all changed.

Just this week Rico was semi-offered a professional opportunity here that would make it worthwhile for us to stay. It has to do with a high-profile venture capital fund and a well-connected person that has recommended Rico for a key position managing said fund. Rico's decision to leave Maputo is based on financial terms. If the potential to make money is greater here, Rico would like to stay. If the accompanying ups and downs of a consultant's life are too high a price to pay, then a stable job in Brasil is the way to go even if it means a lower income. (Oh yeah, he also likely bases his decision to stay or go based on the crazy mood swings and desires of yours truly, as explained earlier in this post.) So now, just as we have confirmed dates for our move and are starting to announce that we will leave Maputo in April, this fabulous once-in-a-professional-lifetime chance comes up for Rico. If one thing we've learned here, it's that things don't always work out as you hope they will or as they are promised to you. So we're not counting our chickens before they hatch. Things could totally fall through and we're prepared for this. But the idea is exciting and has made both of us re-think our decision to leave in April.

Rico is a rational thinker and does not make decisions motivated by intuition (at least that's how it appears to me). He came to Moz to make money and to take advantage of an opportunity in the market. Once there is better money or more opportunities elsewhere, his decision is simple: Leave.

My motivations are a bit more difficult to pinpoint. I came to Mozambique because I felt it was the right path to take. I didn't come to make money or to become a super successful consultant. I didn't come to save all the poor children and I didn't come to find my spiritual roots in mighty Africa. I moved because it felt like the right thing to do. I had high hopes about this experience and felt that I could make a difference somewhere, somehow.

Now, despite all the supremely frustrating moments, rampant cynicysm, bouts with depression and general moaning about how hard it is to live here, my gut says that we should stay. If I had to make the decision today, even without the certainty of this great opportunity for Rico, I'd choose not to leave.

This seems crazy on so many levels. I feel like I've been pushing everyone to get the hell out of here and now, if I'm really honest with myself, I don't think I want to leave. I can't even begin to explain it. I just feel as if it would be a step in the wrong direction to abandon ship after nearly 2 years (3 in Rico's case) of hard work, blood, sweat, tears and money poured into making something work in Africa. It's been phenomenally hard for me to admit this because I feel guilty about wanting to stay, even if it is a very split decision and part of me still wants to go to Brasil or the US. I feel like I'm going to disappoint my parents, my friends and Beth, the lonely woman who takes care of the casa rosa and is like a member of our family. Ha - look at me - making decisions worrying about how others will think and feel instead of what I how I will think and feel. The very enemy of intuition and good decisions right there...

Even crazier is that my hate for consulting has been somewhat tempered. I definitely don't want this to be my main occupation, and I am gut-level certain that I want to give jewelry design a legitimate chance. But...I don't want to turn my back completely on this work. I know that I have a gift for the particular role I play in our consulting work - translating other people's ideas and projects into convincing, bankable business plans and grant applications - and I don't want to leave it behind 100%.

I am conscious, however, of continuing with this work in whatever capacity for the right reasons. I don't want to be a consultant because I'm driven by a need for recognition. I don't want to do this because I need to be reminded that I am "the best" at something, that I write words worth millions and millions of dollars - literally. I want to continue doing part-time consulting and fundraising because of the aspects of this line of work that I legitimately enjoy. I love the challenge of creating a framework for a document, the mix of creativity and solid business knowledge that go into writing about the complexity of a project. I like to be an engineer of words as much as I like to be an artist of words. Technical and creative writing are equally as satisfying to me, each forcing me to flex my linguistic abilities in a unique way.

And wouldn't you know, there seems to be a steady stream of work coming my way in terms of consulting opportunities here in Maputo. Not to mention the fact that of the 3 potential markets I've considered for launching my jewelry business - Mozambique, Brasil and the US - this one is actually the most interesting because I am exclusive in the market. Granted there is that whole problem with the postal system, but I'll work my way around it if need be. For the first time in a long time, I feel excited about the possibilities of Mozambique again. Still cynical, but motivated and inspired. I suppose that's the difference almost 2 years of Africa makes; it is the slow, painful transition from Idealist to Realist.

This ended up being much longer than I'd expected. I guess I needed to get some things off my chest. I've been thinking a lot lately...sometimes a good write in the blog makes things clearer.

Bottom line: I don't know what we will do. Perhaps we will leave in April, perhaps we will stay and start a new chapter in our Mozambican experience. For now that's okay.

9 comments:

Safiya Outlines said...

Oooh tough choice. I felt really excited for you when you said you were going back to Rio, but then I understood why you want to stay in Moz. Your connections in Rio are permanent ones, so that's always going to be an option for you, whereas once you leave Moz, you probably won't go back, so I guess you don't want to feel like anything is unfinished.

In Islam, we have a special prayer for these situations called Istikhara. You do and extra prayer and at the end ask Allah (I'm paraphrasing) " If this matter is good for me in this life and the hereafter then bring me to it, if it is bad for me keep me from it".

Then, usually you get a good gut feeling of what to do. I haven't done it much, but it's always worked for me.

Aside from that, you are way too hard on yourself girl .... and isn't Rico your fiance, not your boyfriend? ;)

Ali Ambrosio said...

~Safiya - Shame on me!! Rico IS my fiancee, and a wonderful one at that. But...we still don't really refer to each other as fiancee or "noivo / noiva" for some reason. Maybe because we've been living and thinking of each other as engaged partners since Day 1.

Thanks for your encouraging words and for telling me about the prayer. I'll certainly keep you posted.

Amber said...

Hmmm...AliAli. I like that prayer that safiya gave you. We have one much like it in Christianity too--"Thy will be done in my life." I think this is the wisest way.

I live deeply with intuition, you know. It is hard when you can't tell exatly what it is telling you. what are your dream symbols giving you? They can tell you so much about your life.

I think you know what to do. You sound like you are not as ready to leave as you thought, but still need to make changes there in Moz. I mean the health issues are telling you something!

Love to you, ;)

Anonymous said...

I feel for you being in the situation of feeling like you have to choose...as if you're standing in a fork in the road and decisions must be made about locale and work. In those moments, I often lose sight of the fact that it's a self-created road...that *I* put the fork there. I can get caught up in thinking that I HAVE to make a decision...because my body or mind or heart is screaming for change. When sometimes (I've learned the hard way), the 'answer' is just to stay in the moment and let things evolve with my intuition leading the way. We went through similarly torn feelings when we left the tropics. The good news is: you can always go back...to anywhere. And as much as I've been a vagabond my entire adult life, I don't think that really, truly sunk in until fairly recently. That idea that from this point forward, NO place may feel like HOME to me...because each of them will always hold the promise of return. And I've reached a place where that feeling no longer torments me...instead it provides me with a sort of solace because it reminds me that the possibilities are endless...always.

Alina said...

It's not an easy choice to make, Ali. But I am sure you two will end up doing what's best for you in the end. Life has its ways of taking you on a certain path, the one that suits you better. And I am positive you have a great future in jewelry design.

Kristine said...

Sounds like some tough choices.
Do you think the fear of the unknown might be a factor in your not wanting to leave just yet (as well as the other things you mentioned)? Sounds like you are a big fish in a little pond there with regard to your jewelry and that is not bad necessarily with regard to supply and demand. However, it sounds like Brazil would require the big leap and it could be both fun and scary...
As for the psoriasis, you are right - stress does trigger it. The good thing is that sun is good for it.
I am thinking of you and I know you and Rico will come to a decision that will benefit you both.

Annie Jeffries said...

Ha - look at me - making decisions worrying about how others will think and feel instead of what I how I will think and feel. The very enemy of intuition and good decisions right there...


As I read this post, Ali, this line leaped out and grabbed me. My entire life has been ruled by the former and now that I am changing that, focusing on what I want, what I feel, I am not only happier, but I am making better decisions.

Follow your intuition, Ali. Between Rico's practicality and your intuitive strength, you will both be led to the right place. Have faith in that if nothing else.

Ali Ambrosio said...

~Amber - I like the Christian version of the prayer as well. Lovely sentiment no matter which spiritual lens you choose through which to view it. And yes, the old body is definitely telling me that changes must be made if we stay - or if we go.

~Marilyn - Endless possibilities is right. I am faced with some incredible options right now, and I like the idea that one can always choose to go back as well as move on.

~Alina - Thanks for your words of encouragement about the jewelry. I'll keep you posted.

~Kristine - This made me think. I don't believe that fear of the unknown is a factor in keeping me in Moz because, let's face it, my life here is pretty unkown too! (And, for the record, I rather prefer it that way as opposed to routine and predictable.) But it's an interesting thought. More than anything I think it's a fear of turning away from some serious opportunities after we've put in our blood, sweat, tears and money...and right before we are able to really take advantage of the potential.

~Annieelf - I have no doubt that if I follow my intuition I will not be lead astray. It's just a matter of having courage to do it. :) I started taking the whole "listen to yourself and your needs" advice to heart about 2 years ago and am a much, much happier person as a result of acting in my own best interest as much as possible.

Catron said...

Ahhhhhh...
Everyone else is so unselfish discussing the pros and cons of your decision. I on the other hand am very sad and selfish because I was plotting a stop in Rio in July during my ferias. I have never been to the casa rosa and was hoping to se you in it! Oh well, I can always hope....
As for what you do, it will be the right decision.
beijos!