Deliberation on Next Steps

Lone Poppy. Fredericksburg, Texas. 2004

I think it's safe to say that 85% of the major decisions I've made in life have been based on intuition. After learning a bit about my wanderings and adventures, people often ask, "Weren't you afraid to ______________?" Fill in the blank with any number of life choices such as Study in Brasil at Age 15, or Live Alone in Rio de Janeiro, or Move to Mozambique, or even Get in a Serious Relationship with Your Boss.

The answer is "no". I've never been afraid to take these leaps of faith because I blessed with an insanely strong intution. With most big decisions, I just know. I can always provide a string of rational arguments as to why my choice is a solid one to appease parents, friends or colleagues as necessary; however a reasonable weighing of pro's and con's isn't what ultimately motivates me to pack up everything and move across continents. Certain options simply feel right on a cellular level, bringing about, when pondered, a slow-wave resonance that grounds my gut and calms my worrying mind.

For the last year or so, I've been in somewhat of a funk and can make a laundry list of things that I don't like about my present situation. I'm far from my family and it's a long, expensive trip to go home. I miss them so much I want to cry. I don't have a structured work environment and allow myself to procrastinate endlessly, at my own expense. I am super cynical about development work and feel this attitude creep into my ability and willingness to do consulting work. I don't even like consulting work to begin with (I think). Our income is ridiculously unstable and the fluctuations and financial stress are more than I ever experienced as a student. Oh yeah, I was supported by my parents back then. Oh yeah, if I'm honest I still am and have loads of debt to eventually repay to the Bank of Mom and Dad. I sleep too much but am always tired. I have these God awful allergies that are undoubtedly stress-related. I don't have access to competent medical care. I miss having access to healthy, organic food. I feel fat. I miss my friends. I feel guilty about all the poverty I see around me, but at the same time resent the "handout" mentality of so many people I've come across in Mozambique. Some days I truly believe there is no solution to the problems here, and that worse yet, I may be part of the problem myself. I could go on, and on, and on. Pity party for Ali.

Some days it gets so bad that I call my Mom or Dad or Ricardo and moan and cry on Skype about how unhappy I am here. I've lived in Mozambique for almost 2 years and I still don't feel like I'm in my element. Okay, recently I've made some really amazing girlfriends and I do admit this has helped elevate my quality of life and well-being at least 200%. And I do have a wonderful boyfriend. And family. But there are still these days when I am simply miserable. I feel lost professionally and uprooted personally. What to do, what to do?

Sick of playing poor me, and supported by my boyfriend who is no doubt sick of hearing about poor me, we started to devise a plan. Rico and I have been considering our options for several months, weighing the benefits and downsides of staying here in our present occupations, looking for stable work in Moz, moving back to Brasil, moving to the US, moving to Italy, moving to Dubai.

The one obvious thing was that something's got to give. My body is giving me that message loud and clear. First with these lousy allergy attacks on a weekly basis with no cure and no medicines or treatments out there that give me any relief, then this week I got a case of psoriasis on my scalp. The other day I was sitting at the computer running my hands through my hair when I felt these crusty layers of scalp peeling off at my fingertips. I freaked out, ran to the bathroom mirror, and started madly scratching at these thick plates on my head. It was supremely gross, and it freaked me out. Thankfully Jenny had some Neutrogena T-Gel that she gave me that seems to be helping, but guess what? Stupid psoriasis is caused by, among other things, stress. I'm sure the heat wave of late hasn't helped either, but my body is sending some serious "Pay Attention to Me and Change Shit Around in Your Life" messages.

Glad to oblige. As I said, Rico and I have been making plans. I haven't shared in the blog yet because I don't know who reads this and Maputo is a really, really small place and I didn't want news to get out before we'd had a chance to make an announcement to our collegagues. Oh, well.

Today I've decided to write.

Basically Rico got offered a job in Rio de Janeiro that is supposed to start in April. We're both tired of living on the edge financially speaking - one month we get king's salaries, then have no paying clients for the next 5 months - so he accepted the offer. We were all set making plans for the big move. Sell all of our things, break our lease on the flat, figure out how to ship the boys to Brasil, purchase tickets, etc. I even just sent out an e-mail to my friends in Brasil finally letting them in our plans (we've been plotting for several months but I've kept my mouth shut as has Rico).

For me, on the surface at least, a move to Brasil seemed to be a welcome thing. There's the casa rosa that I am completely in love with and have never truly lived in, Rio is one of my favorite cities on earth, I have lots of friends there from when I went to school in 2000/2001, Rico's family is there, it's an easy and much cheaper plane ride back to the US to visit my family.

Not to mention that I've been plotting a total career change to be a jewelry designer and creator and Brasil seems like an exciting market in which to launch my collection. I've been working on a business plan, imagining what my site will be like for online purchases, and even brainstorming about a way to involve women from the favelas around the casa rosa to train them in jewelry making techniques, and launch a parallel jewelry line made by these women whose proceeds will benefit the community.

It's like all I can do is eat, breathe and dream jewelry these days. I've been having regular jewelry parties at my house as well as the craft fairs as usual. I'm starting to create a name for myself here in Maputo as a jewelry designer and that is an amazing feeling. I sit and imagine a life spent pursuing a craft that I am passionate about, plus a component of social good. I want to set an example by doing what I love in this life. I want to get away from the ego-and-money-driven world of consulting, even when it masquerades as development work. One of the advantages of Rico accepting a stable, normal job in Rio is that we'll have a guaranteed income and I'll actually be able to take 2 years or whatever and take metalsmithing and gemology classes and try and make this jewelry thing work.

It all seemed to be coming together. Plans made, paths targeted for a better, less stressful future. Then it all changed.

Just this week Rico was semi-offered a professional opportunity here that would make it worthwhile for us to stay. It has to do with a high-profile venture capital fund and a well-connected person that has recommended Rico for a key position managing said fund. Rico's decision to leave Maputo is based on financial terms. If the potential to make money is greater here, Rico would like to stay. If the accompanying ups and downs of a consultant's life are too high a price to pay, then a stable job in Brasil is the way to go even if it means a lower income. (Oh yeah, he also likely bases his decision to stay or go based on the crazy mood swings and desires of yours truly, as explained earlier in this post.) So now, just as we have confirmed dates for our move and are starting to announce that we will leave Maputo in April, this fabulous once-in-a-professional-lifetime chance comes up for Rico. If one thing we've learned here, it's that things don't always work out as you hope they will or as they are promised to you. So we're not counting our chickens before they hatch. Things could totally fall through and we're prepared for this. But the idea is exciting and has made both of us re-think our decision to leave in April.

Rico is a rational thinker and does not make decisions motivated by intuition (at least that's how it appears to me). He came to Moz to make money and to take advantage of an opportunity in the market. Once there is better money or more opportunities elsewhere, his decision is simple: Leave.

My motivations are a bit more difficult to pinpoint. I came to Mozambique because I felt it was the right path to take. I didn't come to make money or to become a super successful consultant. I didn't come to save all the poor children and I didn't come to find my spiritual roots in mighty Africa. I moved because it felt like the right thing to do. I had high hopes about this experience and felt that I could make a difference somewhere, somehow.

Now, despite all the supremely frustrating moments, rampant cynicysm, bouts with depression and general moaning about how hard it is to live here, my gut says that we should stay. If I had to make the decision today, even without the certainty of this great opportunity for Rico, I'd choose not to leave.

This seems crazy on so many levels. I feel like I've been pushing everyone to get the hell out of here and now, if I'm really honest with myself, I don't think I want to leave. I can't even begin to explain it. I just feel as if it would be a step in the wrong direction to abandon ship after nearly 2 years (3 in Rico's case) of hard work, blood, sweat, tears and money poured into making something work in Africa. It's been phenomenally hard for me to admit this because I feel guilty about wanting to stay, even if it is a very split decision and part of me still wants to go to Brasil or the US. I feel like I'm going to disappoint my parents, my friends and Beth, the lonely woman who takes care of the casa rosa and is like a member of our family. Ha - look at me - making decisions worrying about how others will think and feel instead of what I how I will think and feel. The very enemy of intuition and good decisions right there...

Even crazier is that my hate for consulting has been somewhat tempered. I definitely don't want this to be my main occupation, and I am gut-level certain that I want to give jewelry design a legitimate chance. But...I don't want to turn my back completely on this work. I know that I have a gift for the particular role I play in our consulting work - translating other people's ideas and projects into convincing, bankable business plans and grant applications - and I don't want to leave it behind 100%.

I am conscious, however, of continuing with this work in whatever capacity for the right reasons. I don't want to be a consultant because I'm driven by a need for recognition. I don't want to do this because I need to be reminded that I am "the best" at something, that I write words worth millions and millions of dollars - literally. I want to continue doing part-time consulting and fundraising because of the aspects of this line of work that I legitimately enjoy. I love the challenge of creating a framework for a document, the mix of creativity and solid business knowledge that go into writing about the complexity of a project. I like to be an engineer of words as much as I like to be an artist of words. Technical and creative writing are equally as satisfying to me, each forcing me to flex my linguistic abilities in a unique way.

And wouldn't you know, there seems to be a steady stream of work coming my way in terms of consulting opportunities here in Maputo. Not to mention the fact that of the 3 potential markets I've considered for launching my jewelry business - Mozambique, Brasil and the US - this one is actually the most interesting because I am exclusive in the market. Granted there is that whole problem with the postal system, but I'll work my way around it if need be. For the first time in a long time, I feel excited about the possibilities of Mozambique again. Still cynical, but motivated and inspired. I suppose that's the difference almost 2 years of Africa makes; it is the slow, painful transition from Idealist to Realist.

This ended up being much longer than I'd expected. I guess I needed to get some things off my chest. I've been thinking a lot lately...sometimes a good write in the blog makes things clearer.

Bottom line: I don't know what we will do. Perhaps we will leave in April, perhaps we will stay and start a new chapter in our Mozambican experience. For now that's okay.