The Other Side

In the past 3 weeks I've enjoyed more of a social life than in the entire year and a half that I've lived in Mozambique. Seriously, there is nothing like a good group of girlfriends, even if some of them are only here temporarily and I invariably face having to say goodbye in a short few weeks.

This evening Jenny, Lacithecat and I went out for dinner and cocktails at Las Brasas, a really nice place that is, in my opinion, by far the best restaurant in Maputo. The restaurant has a bar attached, which is where we opted to spend the evening sitting in the loft above the main space, lounging in comfy sofas, sipping caipirinhas and wine and enjoying each other's company in one of the few places in town that plays music at an appropriate volume for conversation.

The highlight of the evening, apart from just being able to hang out with cool girls, was the food itself. We all ordered the same dish - Espetada de Mariscos - which is quite literal to its name and consists of king prawns, squid and fish skewered on an enormous sword, doused in lemon and salt, then grilled to perfection. The presentation of the meal is the best part. Not only do they use this fantastic skewer for cooking the seafood, they bring it all the way to your table. The girls got quiet a kick out of being served such a fine meal suspended on a vertical sword that looks as if it should be the weapon of choice for the heroine in Quentin Tarantino's next film.

It was all delicious, and it is nights like this that I am reminded of the things in Mozambique that are really wonderful. Cheap first-rate seafood, interesting people from all reaches of the world, and a development environment that challenges even the most jaded person to do some serious soul searching and question his or her role in it all.

These past few days have been intense. I've had a total of 2 crises in as many days, the kind of breakdowns where I sat on the floor sobbing unintelligebly holding Pria and Parceiro in my lap while Rico patiently listened on the other end of our Skype connection. The crises revolved around the following:

1. My health. I've been suffering from mysterious and debilitating allergy attacks for the last year and a half. Losing one day of each week to ill health is taking its toll on my quality of life, and I finally decided I must listen to what my body is telling me and take care of this imbalance. I went to a really cool alternative medicine clinic here in Maputo, and the doctor confirmed what I've suspected all along. My allergies are a physical manifestation of an emotional block from my past. Basically, to get well I must treat the physical symptoms, but more importantly the root cause of my distress. This will require some painful work on my part. I think I'm finally ready, but I've also had a gimpse of what awaits me. It's not pretty, but I am going to take it all on in the name of my physical and emotional health.

2. Procrastination. I've hit a major wall with NaNoWriMo. Not just writer's block, I haven't even been able to open the document for the past week. Writing just a few words of the story seems beyond any capabilities I have at this point. People keep asking how the book's coming along and, well, it's not. I had a breakthrough the other night while thinking about why it's so hard for me to write something that is supposedly enjoyable and of my own volition.

I had somewhat of an epiphany when I realized that by procrastinating, not being able to follow through on things that are important to me despite my best efforts, I am blocking myself from doing something truly brilliant with my life. It's kind of hard to explain.

I've always been blessed with the natural intelligence to put in relatively little effort and always come out with the best grade in the class, the proposal that gets funded, the most praised project, the highest honors. When I was in college, I'd fuck around for most of the semester and put off studying until the night before an exam, sometimes until the very morning I was supposed to take a test. I'd then buckle down, read the entire textbook, retain the information and write about it in a coherent enough way that not only would I pass the class, I'd get the highest grade of all my peers. I never put in the effort I witnessed in some of my classmates, the dilligent studying for an hour a day, day after day. I never was able to do that, nor did I need to. I would always pull through at the last minute and somehow manage to shine. Not only did this get me a 4.0 in college, it instilled in me the belief that behind the good grades and academic honors I was a fraud. I held my breath waiting to be found out.

This patter continued in my professional life. I'd put off working on a grant until the week before the deadline, despite the fact that I'd many times have months to prepare my proposal. When the pressure finally became too much, I'd hunker down and write furiously, designing program outcomes and writing convincing arguments for funding. The first grant application I ever wrote I managed to get 1.5 million dollars for the organzation I was working for at the time. I couldn't belive it. If only the funding organization or my bosses saw the bullshit that I knew was behind my smooth words. I felt as if I was constantly walking on eggshells and putting on a front, desperately wanting everyone to believe that I was a smooth professional when behind it all lay the truth - I was an illusionist, using lingustical smoke and mirrors to conceal the fact that I didn't *really* know the first thing about what I was doing. I've always known how to talk a strikingly convincing talk.

My whole life I've been able to get away with minimum effort, relatively speaking, with maximum results. In terms of efficiency it's great, but it comes with a terrible sense of guilt and impending doom. It also makes me feel like nobody understands me. Anytime I want to complain about how lazy I am, how I only dedicate a little part of myself to my work, how what I do doesn't even come close to what I know my personal capabilities are, the response I get from most people is that I am insane and that I should stop fishing for compliments. I mean, what on earth is the girl that gets all A's and had an admirable fundraising track record doing complaining about not being good enough?? After a while I learned to keep my mouth shut, lest I alienate all of my hard-working friends...

Last night it hit me - I procrastinate and don't put my best effort into so many things that are important to me: Nia, keeping in touch with friends and family, inumerous projects that have been abandoned midway, and most recently NaNoWriMo. The difference from my procrastination and half-assed yet stellar resulting efforts in school and work is that I don't have to answer to anyone for these personal pursuits. They are entirely mine. Mine to pursue, mine to accomplish, mine to judge. Or not. I don't have anything to prove, there are no merit marks or million dollar grants to be won. The only prize in the end is the journey itself, which may or may not result in a feeling of self-fulfillment at the end. The more I put things off and refrain from giving it my all, the more I keep myself from accomplishing something truly brilliant - by my own standards. I've said it before - I am ultimately the cause and the solution to all of the shortcomings I perceive in my life. Having this truly sink in is a stinging slap in the face.

NaNoWriMo is still unopened, but at least I feel better about it. I managed to write on the blog today, which is a big accomplishment, especially considering the subject matter. Now I'm trying to find the balance that feels right to me between respecting my natural work rhythm (erratic is an understatement) and making myself be dilligent and not procrastinate to the point that I feel it keeps me from fully realizing my dreams.

3) The final motive for my recent crises is uncertainty regarding my professional life, but this is old news. I am an artist at heart who unfortunately (or fortunately) discovered at an early age that she had a real knack for business. Now the challenge is how to find balance, that damn elusive state of being. It's not exactly straightforward, and the uncertainty regarding the details is quite overwhelming at times.

In the end I'm grateful that I finally broke down and let it all out. I feel immensely better today, with a renewed positive outlook on life and a slightly clearer vision for where my next steps must be to reach my goals.

Sometimes a good cry does wonders for the soul...then again, so do girlfriends, kittens, a loving family and an infinitely patient boyfriend!