Sunday, November 05, 2006

Sunday Scribblings: Morning

Every morning I wake up and tell myself that it's a new day, that I can start fresh and not be condemned to making the same mistakes as the day before. Every morning I wake up and believe, even if it's just for 5 minutes as I stretch in bed and hit snooze on my alarm, that things can be different.

Sometimes I'm right and the day gets off to a good start. I have tea, meditate, eat a healthy breakfast and accomplish a nice list of things at work. I make some jewelry, play with the cats and write for the blog or for my budding novel.

Other days it's not so good. Within minutes of getting out of bed I'm off and running down a comfortable but terribly unhealthy path. I'll eat an entire pack of sugar wafers for breakfast, have a glass of wine before noon, procrastinate on my work obligations and surf the internet in my pajamas.

The hardest part of these days is that they almost always revolve around overeating. It's like once I make the first wrong move - sugar, fat and alcohol in whatever combination and in excessive quantities - my day is blown to shit. I can't seem to stop at one cookie or one piece of cheese, I end up eating the entire package in an attempt to make myself numb. I'll lament all day about how fat I am, about all the willpower I lack, about how shameful my behavior is. I feel alone and desperate, like I did so many nights in college back when bulimia had me caught up in her tight little grip.

Things are better now - I no longer purge - but the binges are still there when I get stressed or when I manage to fall off track due to a holiday or a big night out. Despite the fact that I am in recovery from my eating disorder, the pain is still the same. All the underlying feelings are still there, and I am humbled when I realize that they may not ever go away. It's the way that I deal with them that changes, to what degree I give into my negative impulses and let my inner critic get the best of me. Every night after a bad day it still hurts to the bone. I still want to cry, still desperately hope for someone to swoop down and hold me until all the pain passes.

I know now that every minute I wait for some magical figure to fix my problems is a minute waisted. I am the answer. I must be the one to speak the kind words I long to hear and pick myself up the floor for a hug and some loving when things get tough. For the most part, I've gotten much better at this. But some days, when I am feeling particularly depressed and isolated, all I can manage to do is get into bed and hope that sleep comes quickly. The morning always brings me hope, even if it is just for a second.

15 comments:

giggles said...

Oh girl....I hear you! The difference between a good day and a bad one is often one sleep! The food thing.....well you are not alone. I always start out with good intentions…..and then life happens!

Peace and giggles...if you can't giggle then try a smile!

paris parfait said...

Ali, I understand what you're going through - especially when you're on your own. I wouldn't have a glass of wine on my own midday, but I have been known to eat cookies mid-morning and sit at the computer in my pyjamas. It's a vicious cycle, this "comfort" eating and you're right about the answers being within ourselves. You're making great strides on your own, so don't despair when you have a bad moment or two - because that's all they are - moments. Basically you're on the right track and as you become less stressed about work, living conditions, etc., I would imagine the worries and fears that lead you to this pattern will ease.

alphawoman said...

Amidst the agnst there is a lot of wisdom in this entry. Each day is a brand new start.

kerry said...

ali, thank you for speaking about this. these sentences, "Every night after a bad day it still hurts to the bone. I still want to cry, still desperately hope for someone to swoop down and hold me until all the pain passes." allow me to stop a mad hunt for words about the feelings i could never figure how to describe. it's heartbreaking to read and admit honestly that the demons never fully disappear, and yet you have such incredible resilience and strength in the way you adamantly move through the day anyways. this post gives me hope and some direction. it's so validating to realize our struggles are not just our own, while each pain is unique, we can stand next to each other in efforts for healing. i'm wishing you better days.

my backyard said...

Hang in there!

Jane Poe (aka Deborah) said...

Dear Ali ... what a painfully honest post. I am almost 20 years into my bulimia recovery and understand that the underlying feelings, the insecurity, fears, etc. are the things that take the longest to deal with. We can change the behaviours, but the feelings, hurts, etc are more challenging. The first step, being aware, is critical. And it sounds like you have that girl ... after awareness comes resilience, because the sad truth is that the pains never really go away, and we still have fears, and maybe new hurts arise, but if we learn to be resilient to them, we learn to move forward. Reading your blog, I know that you've made many strides and I send much love and loads of support from one side of the world to another. xo, JP

Michelle said...

This sounds all to familar. You have just described my day yesterday. Today was better. Thanks for posting this. There are times when I feel alone with this, as well.

Monkey McWearingChaps said...

It's amazing how much I relate to you on...hang in there.

Alina said...

Issues like this one, your eating disorder, are often there to stay forever. It's something common to all weaknesses we need to face. You are right, you are your only answer/getaway and hope. The others may be there to hold you, but you are the one who needs to make the first steps.

Morning always brings hope to my days, although it does not always last!

Catherine said...

I don't have an eating disorder, but I am very familiar with the idea that starting well in the morning affects the whole day. Good luck with the novel (and your life!)

Left-handed Trees... said...

I appreciated how you opened up about this--it is very significant for many peopl, women especially. Though I haven't had to struggle with an eating disorder, I am sick with a digestive problem--so yes, I can often tell before I'm even out of bed whether I'll have a blissful day or a stressed/in pain one. I'm wishing you a whole string of good ones!

Safiya said...

What you right is so brave and so true. How many women are enslaved by mental torments which use their bodies as a battlefield?

Kerstin said...

Oh, how familiar all this sounds, especially the bit about not stopping at one piece, the familiar all-or-nothing road. Sadly you are right, there is no magical fix, and the feelings don't ever go away. Reading your post today - while sitting here with a glass of wine! - is like a kick in the stomach, a painful reminder of how far off the track I have allowed myself to wander.

my pink sky said...

brave, wise girl...we all struggle with one thing or another, things that we vow to change each new day. i so understand this feeling...the pressure even, of not damning the entire day with our actions. ride that morning wave of hope, and know that we all seek redemption as the new day dawns...xo

Ali la Loca said...

Thanks, everyone, for your support and sympathetic comments.

NaNoWriMo is eating up my life, so I'm not able to do the personal resopnse thing these days.

:)