Out of Touch

For some mysterious reason, my Skype has decided to stop working today.

It's been funky for the last several days, dropping calls and flat-out refusing to connect half the time, but today it simply won't work at all.

Not seeing the little "connected" icon at the bottom right of my screen makes me feel so incredibly lonely. This is ridiculous, really, because I never actually put my status as Online, rather I lurk as Invisible day after day so that nobody will call me and I won't feel the guilt of being Online and not making a call myself.

I don't really like talking on the phone, and find it even more overwhelming to speak to people now that I've been living in Mozambique for 2.5 years. How do I begin to have a conversation with someone? How do we catch up without the usual difficulties of such interactions. The questions I get are usually all the same, and the answers I give, no matter how much I might downplay certain aspects of my life, make me feel marginally guilty, as if I shouldn't be entitled to such a good hand when everyone else is just plodding along for the most part at their regular jobs in their regular towns.

Actually, I'm generalizing quite a bit here. I have lots of friends that lead similar lives to mine, traveling the world and always having something new and exciting to report about in a mass e-mail.

Funny, it's the friends that I identify with the most, the ones with whom I am capable of speaking for hours and hours on the phone and truly enjoying myself, that I don't feel at all compelled to talk to on a regular basis. We always seem to pick up just where we left off with no problem.

It's the acquaintance-type friends that I have a hard time with. The old classmates or neighbors or simply nice people I met at whatever point in the past that I feel quite guilty about not holding up my end of the friendship bargain. These people are *nice*, and I genuinely enjoy their company in person. But I find it so difficult to maintain the relationship over the phone, or even over e-mail. It is overwhelming, really.

Moments like these I realize what an introvert I am.

Still, the possibility of connectivity is comforting, despite the fact that I seldom actually "reach out". Just knowing that I have a list of contacts that I can click on and instantly be speaking with a long-lost friend or family member makes it seem that I'm not at all alone in the world, no matter how far I manage to travel.

I suppose I don't quite realize how reassuring it is to have the ability to call anyone at anytime (for free!) until it is temporarily suspended.

And, even after this, you can be certain that once Skype returns to its normal funcioning, I won't make any calls other than to say hi to my mom, my dad and Ricardo, as I do every single day. For all the other friendships and relationships that I neglect, at least I am really good about keeping up ties with my nuclear family.

Edited to update:

1. Skpye is apparently having global problems. Such is technology...we complain about its inconveniences when it's available, then absolutely are beside ourselves when it's not.

2. I got an e-mail from a very good friend alerting me to the fact that I might be interpreted as arrogant in this post, and not to discredit the lives of those people that do not travel and move through international circles as I do.

I'm so glad he wrote, because as I don't edit my posts, sometimes I'll write on the blog and then leave the house (as was the case tonight) without re-reading what I've just published. Perhaps if I'd edited a bit, I'd have added a disclaimer of sorts to leave my readers clearer about what I'm trying to express.

I certainly don't think another's life is less fulfilling for them if not lived according to my tastes, or that someone can't be happy just because they prefer a life that doesn't involve the things I appreciate (i.e. travel).

I just look at my dad as an example - he doesn't travel much, has a life completely different than mine in terms of lifestyle/rhythm, and yet is absolutely content with his decisions as far as I know. I have many friends like this as well - blog friends, even - so I hope that it is clear that I'm not trying to put down any other lifestyles here...

What I am trying to say is that sometimes - often times - it is hard for me to relate, and that makes keeping in touch a challenge for multiple reasons, many of which are obviously my issues to work on. :)