I Want to Reach a Place of Peace

Sunset as seen from Cabeça do Velho rock. Chimoio, Manica Province, Mozambique.

This is the phrase I wrote in my journal last night. I have started using my paper journal as a place to draw and tell about my life through art. I've struggled to write consistently (at all, really) in my paper journal since starting this blog, but feel a strong calling to draw these days. Last night I drew a picture that expressed my desire to be lifted out of an ocean of chaos by a cluster of swirling blue clouds attached to my hands. In the middle of the page I wrote this sentiment in beautiful purple calligraphy.

Our fellow consultants and houseguests for the next month, B. and Monty, arrived yesterday. I immediately felt defensive and anxious in my own home. These guys are friends of mine and have been very respectful of our space since arriving, but something in me reverted back to what I call "Chimoio Mode". For those of you that have read my blog for a while, you'll know what I'm talking about. Basically, Chimoio Mode consists of me freaking out about having to coexist with other people. My stress over the lack of control of my environment manifests itself as an obsession with order and cleanliness, and I can get really bossy and short with my housemates if I'm not careful.

In Chimoio, many of my outbursts of organization and anger over the lack thereof were warranted. Our house was a true pigsty much of the time, and although 5 of us lived under the same roof, there was little of the respect and compromise that I expect from a community living situation. But B. and Monty have done nothing since arriving to merit this kind of a defensive response from me. The issue is mine, and I want to get over it. I don't want to spend energy on making a big deal about something that doesn't even exist. I don't want to be bossy and manipulative. I want to find a peaceful place so that we can have harmony in the flat over the next month and do some quality work for the IFC.

We are still waiting for the contracts to be signed so that we can officially start our work on the projects. Hopefully this will happen later this afternoon or early tomorrow morning. I am nervous and ready to get going on our work.

Last night, to get rid of my stress and try and be positive about the fact that I will be sharing my space for the next month, I went to dance class with my friend Nana and really let go. Yesterday we danced salsa and an African dance that to me sounds like kwaito, but I could be totally off on the name. I had a great time learning the moves and finding the pleasure in the dance. At the end of the class, to my surprise, the instructors called me to lead the cool-down.

One of the guys had noticed that I have a different way of dancing. He said that my energy is grounded and that I dance with my whole being, synergetically. I was so happy - this is one of the main principles of NIA and something I have struggled to achieve as part of my training. I was thrilled at the idea of being able to share some of the NIA moves that I love so much with the class, but being called out on the spot caught me off guard and I froze! My mind went totally blank and I couldn't seem to remember any moves, any stretches - nothing. I had a moment of panic, then just started breathing and raising my arms up and down like I was a yoga master saluting the sun. The class followed me, and after a while I was able to do some basic stretches and calm myself enough to lead the students through 2 whole songs.

I want to do more next week. This, I am certain, is the way that I will blossom into a NIA teacher. I just want to come more prepared next class, and with the appropriate music for the moves I will introduce. (Last night I had to do stretching to an upbeat pop samba song, which is part of the reason I was so disoriented. I'm used to soft, new-agey NIA music.)

So for the next month I am challenging myself to chill out, get over myself, put my energy into myself instead of trying to control other people or my environment, and to use dance as a positive outlet for dealing with the whole situation. I want to reach a place of peace.