Four Years...Seems Like Yesterday

Finding Short-Term Housing in Maputo

Even though it's been two-and-a-half years since we lived in Maputo, I still get several requests per month from people planning trips there and wanting advice on how to find short-term housing. This was a tricky proposition when we lived in Mozambique (2005-2009) and I imagine it's only become more difficult as the expat population grows, gas and oil discoveries abound, and rental prices skyrocket.

Without being totally up-to-date on Maputo life these days, I base my advice on a few assumptions, namely:

1) I believe the already inflated rental prices in Maputo have increased significantly since we lived there. Expect to pay a premium for any place that is available.

Rico and I had a 2-year renewable lease on our apartment (good location across from Hotel Terminus/Vila Algarve, street parking, crappy building with water problems, 3-bedrooms, nice natural light, beautiful wood floors, totally outdated bathroom and kitchen, lots of "character", several repairs needed) and paid US$550 per month. We never told people how much we paid in rent because it was a fantastic deal (especially for expats) and we were afraid someone would turn up and offer our landlady double the money and she'd kick us out. We did a lot of repairs and upgrades to the place (replaced the water heater, put in a separate water system for the apartment, painted everything, bought new furniture that we left behind, etc.) so I guess in the landlady's eyes it was worth the low rent because we had a long-term contract, didn't cause any problems, and fixed up her flat so she could get a lot more money for it when we left.

When Rico and I moved away, friends took over our lease and agreed with the landlady to up the rent to US$800 per month. This was in late 2009. I haven't heard what happened after that, but I'd say it's safe to guess that the apartment would easily rent for US$1,500 per month now, if not more.

The nice 3-bedroom flats in the high rise buildings on Av. Julius Nyerere used to rent for US$2,500 to US$3,000 per month back in 2009. I'd imagine they go for around US$4,000 to US$4,500 now.

A fantastic house in Sommerchield with 4 bedrooms and a pool used to go for US$3,500 to US$4,000 in 2009. I wouldn't be surprised if those types of houses are now rented for US$5,000 and up.

I suppose an easy way to check would be to look at the classifieds on Club of Mozambique...

2) I doubt there have been any improvements in the ease of finding short-term rentals. I think a lot of housing is still found informally, through word-of-mouth, especially if you are looking for something less than a one-year lease.

Much of my advice to people looking for a short-term lease or to find a roommate situation is to rely on social networks. This can mean hitting up your Facebook friends to see if someone knows someone with a room for rent in Maputo. You can try Couchsurfing and see if there's a sofa available for you for a couple weeks.

If your trip is sponsored by an academic institution, see if they have any contacts with university housing or students in Maputo who would have a room to rent. If your trip is to volunteer with an NGO or a branch of the UN, see if they can give you names of previous volunteers and email or call them to see what their strategy was for housing.

3) It's easier to find a place once you are in Maputo rather than before your trip. That said, Murphy's Law rules, and you should definitely have a backup plan in case you aren't able to find an apartment or roommate situation while in Maputo.

I often recommend to people that they plan to stay in a hotel or backpacker's for the first few weeks on the ground, so they can have a chance to meet people and network and potentially check out a couple of places in person. Ideally you will find something decent and relatively quickly. However, you might not, and it's important to think about the possibility of staying at a cheap hotel or backpacker's for the duration of your trip if necessary. 

You might try to negotiate long-term rates with some of these establishments: Fatima's Backpackers, the Base Backpackers, Hotel Africa (multiple locations throughout the city), Hotel Terminus (more expensive, but very nice and conveniently located), Hotel Monte Carlo.

And now a request for anyone who has moved to Maputo within the last three years and tried to find short-term housing. What was your experience like? Where did you end up staying? How did you find a place? How much did you pay? 

If you would kindly share any information in the comments, it would really help out the next round of travelers who are trying to figure out short-term accommodations as I am definitely out of the loop these days. Thanks in advance! 

Patrice Lumumba

I was just hit with a gut-wrenching pang of saudades for Maputo after looking at this blog post on Avenida Patrice Lumumba by Brandie at Out and About Africa. I remember that street so well, flanked with dingy modernist apartment blocks, acacias and jacarandas, and a sidewalk that had certainly seen better days. I used to walk on Patrice Lumumba to go from our flat to the Centro Cultural Franco Moçambicano, one of the better spots in Maputo to see local and international art exhibitions and films, not to mention weekend parties with live music.

Something about seeing Brandie's photo made me miss being there so much. When I think about Mozambique in general, big-picture terms I don't have such nostalgia, it's pretty easy to consider it a well-lived chapter in my past and remember the exciting new road I'm on here in California.

But when I think about the specifics - the roundabout where Hotel Cardoso is located at the beginning of Av. Patrice Lumumba (and what was that other street called, the one with what used to be Vila Itália and then became Tapas restaurant - the Austrian ambassador's residence is on the corner, and if you walk a bit further you get to the snack bar called A Francesinha...this is driving me crazy, as Rico and I lived for a month on that street in our banana client's empty flat...the picture in my mind is *so clear* yet I can't for the life of me think of the street name!) - the little Indian grocery on Av. 24 de Julho and Av. Mártires da Machava where the owners used to live in Dallas Ft. Worth and drove a Buick they'd imported back into Mozambique (I can still see the layout of the closely-spaced shelves in my head, full of Black Cat peanut butter and Ceres juices and Salticrax crackers and feta cheese from Clover).

It's these little vignettes of daily life that really hit me, and for a brief moment I'd give anything to go back.

I'm a Star in a Metalsmithing Video

You can see me in all my film-worthy, jewelry-making glory on my Alexandra Amaro blog (click here).

For the Love of Web

I am working hard on my jewelry website, Alexandra Amaro, and it never ceases to amaze me exactly how much freaking work goes into establishing and maintaining a good online presence.

Blogging is one thing - I enjoy writing and feel confident that no matter how much time may pass between posts when I'm busy and school rules my life, it is something I will always revisit. Blogging seems like a part of my life, the digital evolution of the volumes and volumes of journals I filled in my teens and early twenties. Blogging is about telling my story, recording the moments I don't want to forget, ensuring that an accurate record of my experiences and emotions is available to look back on, to share with others, and to pass on to my children one day.

Website maintenance, on the other hand, is not natural for me. :) It's this big beast looming on the horizon, something I don't quite understand, am never quite up to date with for my high standards. It's especially challenging to learn how to manage a new platform, which is what's happening with the new version of my jewelry site. In order to put up content you need to have finished pieces, then have good photos, then resize the photos for the web, write copy, create the component pages for a category or gallery, arrange everything in the back end of the site, then press publish and hope for no broken links or mistakes.

It gets easier as I become more fluent with my new site structure, but I'm in the midst of some frustrating times these days. I'm hoping to be done with the content updates and have the new shop up and running within a month or two. Definitely by the end of the summer.

So what else is new in my life these days?

I finished the school semester about a week and a half ago, which was a relief but also strangely depressing. I've talked before about how it's hard for me to go from 10,000 miles per hour and total craziness while classes are in session, to suddenly skid to a stop and have all this free time and little structure on my days. The solution to avoiding the post-semester blues, I've found, is to stay busy. It's a bit of a delicate balance as I clearly need a vacation and some decent rest, but I really am happier - not to mention more productive - if I have full days even during the first weeks of summer break.

My studio is up and running, which will make a massive difference. This will be the first summer during which I can work from home, torches and all, and that means I can take on custom orders and work on some of my own production stuff. Happily I have several custom orders queued up, not to mention the designs of mine that were accepted to the American Crafts Council show in early August and still need to be made.

I will be taking a summer school class in June - Intro to Garment Structures - and will be the teaching assistant for the pre-college metalsmithing course offered at CCA in July. So both of those will keep me on my toes.

I'm also really kicking up the frequency of my exercise. I was only working out 2 or sometimes 3 times a week during the second half of the semester (which is fine, I'll take any exercise over no exercise) but it's not quite enough to keep me feeling less crazy. So now I'm aiming for 5-6 times per week, with a combination of running (with my running buddy H.), personal training and cardio dance at Hipline. Already I feel better and it's only been a week or so of increased physical activity.

What else...

My snake phobia, which has been ever-present in my life, has gotten markedly worse. The hills of Northern California are known for being prime rattlesnake territory and several friends who enjoy hiking have alerted me that the rattlers are definitely out and about already this spring. In fact, most of my hiker friends have seen at least one if not two snakes per hike during the last month. I have been strongly advised to stay off trails until the weather gets cooler, something I'm more than happy to do (although I'll miss running at Tilden).

I went on a hike the other day with my family while on a day trip to Denver - we went hiking at Red Rocks - and I totally freaked out about the possibility of seeing snakes. Think panic attack, uncontrollable shaking legs, sobbing and severe sweats. It was pretty embarrassing, but my family was kind about it and we turned around early and went back to the car. Thankfully there were no snake sightings, but just the idea of seeing one was bad enough to really set off my anxiety. Fun times.

What else...

I really miss my mother-in-law and my friends H. and A., all of whom came to stay with us recently.

I'm enjoying the near-perfect weather we've been enjoying lately in the Bay Area. I made the mistake the other day, though, of saying that all I wanted to do was spend the afternoon sitting in the sun. I was at the dermatologist's. Whoopsie. I wear sunscreen and a hat, but apparently that didn't matter to the ladies in there who looked at me like I'd announced my plan to shave my head or something equivalently unthinkable.

I've also been enjoying catching up on sleep. Speaking of which, it's time for me to say goodnight to the computer, so long to the website frustrations. Maybe things will flow easier tomorrow with a nice cup of coffee and some homemade waffles. :)

Lost and Found Exhibition May 5 - June 15

I am very excited to announce a gallery show that I will be participating in together with my fellow CCA jewelry students at D&H Sustainable Jewelers in San Francisco. The show will feature works made in the Lost and Found class that focuses on recycling, repurposing and reusing materials. There will be an opening reception this Saturday, May 5th from 5-8pm (there is a wine bar in the gallery so fun times for all). Work will be on view through June 15.

Here is the card for our show as well as the official press release (that I wrote - yay for business skills coming in handy).

 The students of the “Lost and Found” Jewelry/Metal Arts class at the California College of the Arts will be presenting works created throughout the Spring 2012 semester in an exhibition at D&H Sustainable Jewelers in San Francisco, on view from to May 5^th to June 15^th  2012. There will be an opening reception on Saturday May 5^th 5pm-8pm.

Through discussion and experimentation, the class explored the formats of jewelry, functional object, and sculpture to change perception about found materials. A primary challenge was to transform waste materials into objects that have purpose, thus allowing potential landfill to have a second life.

Using a wide array of materials including discarded jewelry, hard drives, phone books, antique trade beads, found wire, and recycled metal, students created reimagined pieces with new layers of meaning.

For more information on the “Lost and Found” exhibition or the Jewelry/Metal Arts program at California College of the Arts, please contact Curtis Arima at curtis@curtisharima.com  or visit www.cca.edu. D&H Sustainable Jewelers is a fine jewelry design house that works only with reclaimed precious metals and ethically sourced diamonds and gemstones, located at 2323 Market St., San Francisco, CA, (415)500-2550,  www.dnhjewelers.wordpress.com.

It's All Downhill from Here

Every time I write that phrase I am unsure if it refers to things getting better/easier or things getting pretty shitty. I'm sort of convinced it can refer to both, which is strangely apt for how I feel about the rest of the semester at CCA.

This has been the hardest run yet in terms of studio work, but it's been a really emotional semester as well. Lots of family stuff, we've had a ton of house guests, I moved into a new workspace at home, I had my junior review.

Last week in particular was really tough. It started with 32 family members and friends coming into town for my grandmother's 90th birthday (fun and nice, but draining), then I had to prepare and install my junior review (a one-day gallery exposition on campus that shows my work thus far), then I went through the review itself (mixed feelings on this one, and definitely a post for another day), then on the heels of taking down the installation I had to whip two additional projects out of thin air for my jewelry classes.

Now I feel like I'm on the other side of the hardest part of this semester. I am relieved and feel less stressed and like the f-it button is on in a good way. But I am also mindful that I still have four final projects to design and make, and that I always underestimate how challenging and fast-paced the tail end of the semester can be.

Downhill, here I come.

Blue Topaz Inclusion Ring

Back in Maputo we knew a Dutch diplomat who had taught himself lapidary work (stone cutting) as a hobby. Mozambique has amazing gemstones and this guy had a steady source of gorgeous tourmalines, aquamarines, quartz and topaz to practice faceting.

One day I was looking at his finished stones and spotted this gorgeous half-cut blue topaz discarded in a pile of broken tools and chipped rocks. I asked about it, and the diplomat told me he'd started to facet the stone and then realized it had some serious inclusions so he tossed it out (inclusions are like fractures in a stone, or can be intrusions of some other mineral...they make it very hard to properly facet a gemstone). What was junk to him was definitely treasure to me!

I've been waiting for nearly three years to do something with this blue topaz and finally made it into a ring for the first project in my casting class. I made the shank and structure out of wax wires, then cast them in sterling silver. My idea was to make the setting so that I could bend one of the top wires open, slip in the stone, then coax the wire back over the top of the topaz to hold it in place. This was not an easy operation, but I managed to make it work and the stone is nice and secure in its setting.

I am very pleased with the clean lines of this ring. I don't usually work in a minimalist style, but this semester I am trying to explore a more distilled, less decorative style than my usual pattern- and ornament-happy look. It's not easy to work in a style that's not really my comfort zone, but I can definitely feel it's been a productive, growth-inspiring exercise.

Original for Puka Shell Bib Necklace

This gives you an idea of what I started with for my Lost and Found necklace. I had a photo of the original piece but it got deleted when my phone crashed and had to be wiped clean.

Lost and Found

This semester I am taking a class called Lost and Found that is all about reusing and reworking materials or components into new pieces. Our first assignment was to select a piece of old, unwanted, possibly ugly jewelry from a pile of stuff to be donated and somehow remake it into something new and fabulous.

I selected a surfer-style shell necklace that had multiple disc-shaped white shells strung together and some chunks or coral and dyed turquoise in the center. Instead of stringing the shells together, I envisioned them riveted to a backplate of some sort. After an intense design session, I decided to create a spinoff of my Floral Chain Maille nekclace.

I punched out a series of nu-gold brass discs, drilled holes, then linked them together using double-balled wires. This has become one of my favorite constructions, not only for the aesthetics but because it is relatively fast and creates a pretty impressive end result. The pieces move like chain maille and drape really nicely against the neck and chest.

As a result of the torch technique required to get the double-balled wire links, I got a really interesting patina on the nu-gold discs. For a while I thought it might be too charred for appealing wear, but I liked it so much I decided to leave it. I waxed the metal to make a nice surface and preserve the patina, then got to riveting. I attached a selection of shells from the surfer necklace I'd originally selected to recycle, then added some black antique trade beads from Mozambique Island that I'd collected on a visit there in 2009.

The final touch was a pair of stud earrings to coordinate with the necklace. I am so excited about this piece. It's really nice and heavy to wear, and I love that the materials are a combination of old/antique and old/reclaimed/recycled plus a new design. This set will likely go into an exhibition at D+H Sustainable Jewelers in San Francisco at the end of our semester.

About Spring Break

Today I turned in two projects and feel equal parts on top of the world ready to party and like I want to burrow away in a hole and sleep for four days straight.

Why happy? Because I finally, FINALLY, managed to finish not one but TWO projects to the point of 100% completion. Finishing my pieces has proven to be a huge struggle for me, not because I'm lazy or because I'm not a detail freak or that I somehow don't want to have totally fantastic presentable pieces in time for critique. Rather my designs tend to be more complicated than I realize, and I am always scrambling to get things together. More times than not there's a detail or three that I can't make happen. I don't have proper time to polish or patina or burnish the edges. But this week - THIS WEEK I PULLED IT TOGETHER.

Not once but TWICE.

DESERVING OF CAPITAL LETTERS because this is freaking monumental in my world, at least this semester. The feeling of finishing, properly finishing, was so delicious. I am finding a new minimal voice in my art, which is a relief. Clever design, simple execution, good results. This is my new goal. Forget the out-of-this world complicated projects. I just want to be done.

So I have one more project due tomorrow for my Lost and Found class (today's projects were for 3B and Casting). I'm not really that close to being finished, but I'm close enough. Tonight after my class I was so tired that all I wanted to do was go out to eat and drink some wine with Rico. Which is what we ended up doing. So now I feel relaxed and happy and like myself again.

I'm mindful that I have a ton of work still ahead for this last project to come together, but my alarm is set for 3:30am and I have a plan. :) And spring break is in sight, which gives me a nice boost of motivation.

Spring break. Ahhhhh, mini vacation. I'm so proud of myself. I'd already done some serious overbooking and I just went and unscheduled a bunch of stuff. Yes, unscheduled. Because what I really want to do for the next week is relax, organize my studio, work on my website, exercise, eat delicious stuff and spend time at home. I can't wait.

No Overachieving Allowed

I'm definitely feeling more positive than when I wrote the last sad post on here. Over the weekend I took an important step and "liguei o foda-se," best translated into English as turning on the fuck-it button.

I decided to care a little less, relax a little more, let go of the things that really don't matter that much but have been keeping me up at night and making me bitchy and physically ill.

What did I let slide?

- Applying for the SNAG (Society of North American Goldsmiths) student scholarship. Why was I planning to apply in the first place? Because our teachers said we should. Because I wanted the recognition. Because I'm good at presenting myself on paper and thought I had a good shot. Because a couple thousand dollars is always a nice perk. HOWEVER...this application was causing me a tremendous amount of stress. In order to make it happen (due in two days, btw) I'd have to clean up/fix five pieces, photograph at least 10 pieces, edit in PhotoShop ad nauseum, select final images, write a little essay, get transcripts, figure out the third-party online application system, etc. I still feel a little guilty for not applying, like I'm going to let my professors down and somehow be shamed in front of my peers, but the balance of stress vs. potential reward just didn't seem right.

- Submitting 5 different pieces to the American Craft Council juried show. Again this would have involved significant fixing/clean up, photographing, editing, wholesale and retail pricing, and a heavy dose of my old friend stress. Instead I decided it was okay to just submit 2 pieces that I already have ready to go. They're not my most recent, and perhaps not my most spectacular. But it's something. Application finished this morning after putting it off for weeks because I was avoiding getting those other pieces ready.

- Not applying for the SNAG student exposition at their annual conference this year in Phoenix. Given the problems I've been having this semester, I don't feel that seeking the recognition and approval of others should be my main priority at this point. Sidelined to next year...

- Getting my new studio totally organized over spring break. This was a self-imposed deadline, a bit optimistic at best. I will organize bit by bit. No need to have an all-or-nothing mentality, which is definitely how I'd been feeling.

It's funny, once I made the decision not to do the above items (or to scale them back) I suddenly felt so much better about the workload I am facing at school. I have three midterm projects due this week and when I still had the scholarships and applications and what not on my to-do list, it seemed impossible to get through everything. Now that I've given myself permission to focus on school and let the other stuff slide a bit, I feel so much happier. The queasiness in my stomach is subsiding and the ropes in my shoulders are loosening. But I still feel guilty, like I'm doing something "wrong" by giving up on these scholarships and exhibitions...and then I tell myself, whatever, I'm an adult student and a big girl and I can make these decisions without worrying about the judgment of others.

Plateau or Perhaps a Wall

This has been a hard semester, perhaps the hardest yet.

I thought last semester, when I took Production (the class that has the reputation of being the most intense workload in the entire jewelry curriculum) together with 3A (where we learn stone-setting and have lots of new technical challenges) would take the cake as the toughest. But no, it seems Spring 2012 is the winner.

To be fair, I am taking 4 studio classes for the first time in my career at CCA. I have completed all of my academic requirements so all that's left is studio classes until I graduate. Since I have a vested interested in being a full-time student to access scholarships and financial aid, but don't want to pay for classes that don't count toward my graduation, it's 4 studios a semester until I graduate in May 2013.

It's recommended that you do a maximum of 3 studios per semester. It's not unheard of to do 4, but people definitely give you sympathetic/you're crazy looks when they find out. Each class meets for 6 hours per week and you have anywhere from 3 to 18 hours of homework per week per class depending on the assignments.

It's definitely intense, but I don't think the studio workload is completely to blame for my struggles this semester. Rather, I believe I've hit a plateau or a wall or whatever you want to call it and it's proving to be damn hard to break through.

At this point I'm a good enough jeweler that I could quit school and make it on my own. I've gone up the technical ladder, I've got respectable chops. I know how to do my pricing and marketing. I have a client base. I've set up a basic studio. I even have a recognizable style to my work. I'm proud of what I've accomplished, but I know I'm far from "done" (not that one is ever finished growing and learning - I'm referring to what I feel I'm meant to get out of school).

I'm at this place right now that could be very comfortable but instead is uncomfortable and honestly quite stressful. Instead of forward momentum, it seems I'm moving backwards. It often feels like I've regressed back to my Jewelry 1 days. I struggle to come up with compelling designs. Simple soldering or stone setting fails. I feel as if I have the jeweler's equivalent of writer's block. I know I can do it...but I just can't make it happen.

Even worse, I find myself comparing my work and my talents to my fellow students, something I know is unproductive and try veryveryvery hard to avoid. On days where I am having a big pity party, I feel like they are all the shining stars and I am a dull, remedial flicker in the corner. I hate this so much because I am aware that I'm allowing myself to be driven by my ego. I recognize that I make work thinking of the praise I might receive from my teachers and classmates, and become stuck when imagining their criticism or disappointment.

This makes me feel so disheartened. Ideally I'd be beyond ego, beyond worrying about what others think of my work, but that's clearly not the case. I want the praise, I want to be the best, I want the recognition that I am on the right track. And as long as I allow that - or the fear of the opposite feedback - to guide my work I will continue to feel like I'm hitting my head against this massive wall.

In moments of marginal clarity and wisdom, I'm aware that my challenge this semester is to get over myself, to break out of the safe, comfortable zone that I am tempted to work within in order to get praise. I intuit that there is this world of greatness, of massive growth and potential just waiting on the other side if I can only get over the ego and insecurity. I'm aware of this, but not able to totally act on it. Or rather, I'm only able to act on it in small doses, a bit every day, and often many steps back for each tiny advance in the "right" direction.

The Surprise Necklace for Renata

Nearly two years ago, Rico's aunt Renata saw the sterling silver version of the Floral Chain Maille Necklace and fell in love. Only she wanted it in 18k yellow gold, a material that I didn't know how to work with at that point in my metalsmithing training. Renata said that she would wait as long as it took, but that she wanted the first necklace in this design in gold.

Good thing Rico's uncle took note. Last year, when I finally started some goldsmithing, we made a plan to give this necklace to Renata for her 50th birthday. I worked like crazy over winter break (but in secret, because Rico's aunt and uncle were staying at our house!) , and managed to get everything ready in time to be hand-carried down to Brazil. That was in December, and I've had to keep my mouth shut for nearly two months, not an easy task since I was so excited about how the necklace turned out.

Yesterday was the big day, and Renata finally got her birthday gold necklace. As you can see from the photos below, I think she was pretty surprised. :)

That grin just makes my day. Every time I get overwhelmed by school and question why I am doing any of this if it makes me so stressed sometimes, I just need to look at this photo. It perfectly expresses why I love to make jewelry.

Renata's the perfect model for the necklace, no? What a glamorous way to make my entry into the Brazilian market!

Looking Back: Two Years and Four Months after Mozambique

Two weeks ago I was on the phone with my best group of girls from Mozambique. It's hard for us to find a time to chat nowadays, not so much due our busy schedules but because of the ridiculous time differences between the places we now call home.

K. is in Honiara (Solomon Islands), Z. is in Melbourne, H. is in Bogotá, J. is in London and I am here in California. There is only one special time that will work for all of us, and we manage to make it happen about once a quarter. We're incredibly scattered about the world and I haven't seen any of my girls in nearly 2.5 years, but we have one of those magic friendships where we gossip and philosophize and plan our lives as if we were simply having our weekend catch-up, poolside at Hotel Cardoso or possibly Clube Naval with a gin and tonic in hand.

(On a related note, check out this snarky gem of expat writing if you haven't already.)

In my last chat with the girls, the topic turned to whether or not we miss Mozambique. The answer, it seems, is totally dependent on where we all ended up post-Maputo. I have a similar perspective to Z. in that we are both very content with our new homes, our new occupations, our new lives. We are both putting down some solid roots in cosmopolitan cities with good weather, in which we have family and where our partners are content. Neither of us really misses Mozambique, in the sense that it was good while it lasted but we are glad to have moved on. Of course we feel moments of nostalgia and saudades. But in general we wouldn't want to go back, perhaps not even for a visit.

K., on the other hand, really misses Mozambique. Nothing like the perspective of living on a small, quiet island in the middle of the South Pacific to make Maputo seem like the most fun, fantastic, fast-paced and flavorful city ever invented for expats. K. and her husband miss the restaurants, the international crowd, the easy access to nearly everything, the endless opportunities for weekend trips, the (relatively) good connections to major cities on other continents, the solid group of friends... I'm not sure if they could go back if they had a chance, but Maputo understandably has become a grass-is-greener sort of place for them.

H. also misses Moz quite a bit and has already traveled back once to spend the holidays. She still has very close friends there, the kind that will likely never move away, so it's like a homecoming of sorts in that she is greeted with familiar faces and can easily slip back into the life she'd established there. Or so I imagine.

J. is somewhere in the middle I suppose, enjoying her life back in the UK and the excitement of a post-grad-school job search, but also ever-open to the possibility of traveling again. I'd guess that given the chance she'd travel back to Mozambique, but that it's perhaps not at the top of her priority destination list.

What's strange for me is that Mozambique had such a huge impact on me and yet I don't think I'd return if given the chance. I prefer it as a memory, preserved in time, protected from the inevitable disappointment and depression that I would feel if we ever went back. I don't really know how to explain this, especially because there *are* still people there I'd love to see again. Zeca and his family, for sure. The handful of friends in Maputo who call the city their permanent home. Hugh Marlboro. The guys from the local crafts council. Dona Lídia.

I suppose it's like returning to your hometown after many, many years away (Maputo isn't my hometown but it's the place where I spent the most time of my adult life - nearly five years). Everything has changed, and that is depressing. Nothing has changed, and that is depressing, too. People have left, and that makes you long for the good old days when you all used to hang out. People have stayed, and that makes you sad, too.

More than anything, a trip back to Mozambique would make me recall in vivid color the person I was back then. Not that I was a bad person or anything, but I was a *different* person. More immature. More insecure. More arrogant. More idealistic. Still figuring out an awful lot about who I am... There were good times - amazing times, for sure! - but I have a general bittersweet taste when I think back about the Moz years.

Rico and I often reminisce about how unhappy I was there. I know I cried often, that I had stress-induced allergy attacks every week, that I grew to hate the "development" work that had at one point been so inspiring, that I became so cynical I'd force myself to keep my mouth shut when meeting new people because I didn't want to come off as a total asshole and tell them their water sanitation project was doomed to fail.

I remember these things but they often seem like false recollections, like I'm telling the story of how someone else felt, not how I felt. It was bad but I don't remember the details. It was good, but I also don't remember a lot of the details.

For me, our time in Mozambique was characterized by an awful lot of gray areas. Swinging emotions. Sick feelings about what it means to be white and/or foreign and/or rich in a country where so many are born into situations of need. Questions about "development" and what motivates us to "help" others. Questions about who my local friends were and who their families were, realizing that all of that corruption and willingness to turn a blind eye comes from somewhere...Exciting, fun times in the midst of all that gray. Meeting incredible, smart, genuinely kind people from Mozambique and all the corners of the globe. Feeling humble. Feeling like a know-it-all. Living the jet-setting life. Longing for home.

I guess it's only fitting that my feelings post-Moz continue equally gray.