The Glow is Gone

Is there such thing as post-wedding depression? Because if so, I think I have it, bad.

My friend Kelly told me that she suffered a low period after she got married a couple years ago, and not to be surprised if I went through something similar. The way she described it, though, it was much more a withdrawal from all the attention, the family, the friends, essentially having all the people in your little world focused on you and your special union as a couple.

For me, it´s ending up being much more superficial, though I realize that it´s not productive or even possible to play the "Whose depression is worse/more legitimate?" game. I´m feeling like quite the ugly duckling these days, down from a high point of fitness and natural glow in the weeks surrounding our wedding. I´ve gained weight thanks to the honeymoon and 10 days of unrestrained eating on this European trip, and I´ve not been disciplined with working out. The weight has been creeping up on me, but now I´ve reached that point where there is no pretending it´s not happening, and I must take a good look in the mirror and get on track again. Also, my hair is in this supremely awkward phase and has no shine, and I´m feeling like none of my clothes are fashionable or fit properly. Basically, I´ve got a case of the woman-blues.

The other day we were showing our professional wedding photos (finally got them!) to the equivalent of my Italian godparents, a very nice couple in their 40´s. When they opened the first album, they were like, "Who is this woman?". Ummmmm...it was me. Thus ensued a torturous discussion (for me) about how I don´t look anything like myself in the wedding photos and, concurrently, how the person in the photos looks so incredibly beautiful, thin, etc. They decided that it must have been the makeup (pointing out the sculpted cheeks that made me look much slimmer than in person), and that we had hired a fabulous photographer.

In my mind, the conclusion was that I obviously look fat and dumpy in real life, the "confirmation" I´d been dreading after weeks of having that exact thought going through my mind. I know they weren´t trying to be offensive, and that large parts of the world´s population must be pardoned for their unsolicited not-necessarily-positive commentary about one´s physical appearance (i.e. Brazilians, Mozambicans, Italians, etc.) because we all have different definitions of what is insensitive, but still, all I could hear was the fact that I have let myself go, or that I was artifically pretty at the wedding.

I recognize that most of this is a commentary on my mental state and self image, but that´s the part that really sucks. If it were just some insensitive people commenting, I could blow them off and continue with my happy life. The problem is that this perception is self-fabricated, and I don´t know how to make it go away.

I bought some beautiful Hugo Boss black high heels today. That helped somewhat. But I am in search of a longer-term solution, and unfortunately those don´t come with the swipe of a Visa.